A Thread of Hilarity!

Time to laugh in the face of the pandemic!

Let’s give each other a lift. Who’s got a good joke to share?
I’ll start.

Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Tiger Woods , so, seeing some on sale in the golf shop in Inverness he bought them.

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different aboot me?”

Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.” Frustrated as hell , Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging doon e day, it was hanging doon yesterday, and it’ll be hanging doon again tomorrow.

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOON, MARGARET?

“Nope - not a clue”, she replied…

“IT’S HANGING DOON, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat.”

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I’ve just rung the council to ask if I could have a skip outside the house. She said go for it fatty, you could do with the exercise.

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If you get an email from me, with the header message “Tinned Meat”, please don’t open it!

IT’S SPAM. :grin:

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News reporters around the world are now wetting themselves - the new Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysiliogogogoch Covid variant has just been identified in Wales…

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The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about expected numbers!

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Neighbours can be so inconsiderate at times. Mine came knocking on my door at 1.00 am the other morning. It’s a good job I was still up playing my drums.

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This is a great thread and I fully support it, a small request to keep it clean and respectful, if you couldn’t express it in mixed company then please don’t do it here.

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A software manager, a hardware manager and a sales manager are driving to a new car launch when the hi-tech electric car they are about to demonstrate has a puncture.
They consider what to do.
The software manager says “I can’t do anything about it, its a hardware problem.”
The hardware manager says “Maybe if we turn it off and back on again it’ll fix itself.”
The sales manager says “No worries, just drive it. 75% of it works. Nobody will notice. We can still sell it.”

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Thanks Ian- have taken out the wee sweary word at the end of my post :wink:
Here’s to cheer!

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I also agree - I had about 10 jokes to post, but after editing, was down to 1, but we should definitely be careful, as the forum is not like talking to your friends in the pub (if anybody can remember what that was like!!!)

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What’s big, green and ripples with the wind, but can’t fly.
A field.

What can you put in a big heavy wooden box to make it lighter?
Lots of holes.

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A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

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There was this little old lady who was late for church. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. It didn’t take long before a police man pulls her over and says “Ma’am, can I see you license, please?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it taken off me two years ago for drunk driving.”

He tries again, “Well then, can I please see your registration certificate for the car?” She hangs her head and says, “I apologize officer. I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the boot. I feel so bad.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE.” The officer frantically calls in to his walkie-talkie… .

Within minutes there are sirens blaring, lights flashing, half a dozen police car are surrounding the woman’s car. The Chief of Police steps out and walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license, please?”

“Of course, officer.” she smiles sweetly and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks good.”

“Can I see the registration to this car?” She reaches into her purse again and hands it to him. He looks at it, then hands it back to her.

“Ma’am, can you open the boot, please?”

“Certainly officer.” He steps back, but, it is completely empty.

The little old lady shakes her finger at the first officer and says accusingly, “And, I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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I might have been there, or maybe not…

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4 blokes walk into an Aberdeen pub and order 4 pints of beer. The Landlord is serving and says “That’ll be 40 pence please”. 30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord “Excuse me Sir, we’ve now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven’t even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?” “Well”, the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ". “Oh,wow!” said one of the men. "But tell me, there’s a group of men over there sat at the table who haven’t bought anything since we’ve been here, what’s up with them? " “Oh them” said the landlord, "They’re locals and are waiting for Happy Hour drinks ".

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

"Thank you very much, Sir.

Two cannibals sat eating Michael McIntyre,
One said, “Does this taste funny to you?”
The other replied, “No, not in the slightest”

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge?

Killed. :flushed:

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I just saw a car being driven by sheep in a swimsuit…

It was a Lamb Bikini.

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The whole of Cornwall has been placed in tier 4 after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance for Christmas. Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.

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How good is this? I’ve just laughed my head off! We need stuff like this! Wish I could contribute but cant think of anything appropriate :confused:
Keep it coming!
Barrie

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I really need to get some work done, I’ll be back though.