my dad says to me … you’ve put weight on son… yeah i know dad, ive had a lot on my plate recently[:D]
why do you carry War and Peace around with you
its a long story
Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board…
In my book, Anybody who manages to hijack a plane using nothing but a set of tweezers deserves the bleedin’ plane.
I just found this on another joke site…
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a
man who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
DOG FOR <st1:city w:st=“on”><st1:place w:st=“on”>SALE—
</st1:place></st1:city>
<v:shapetype coordsize=“21600,21600” o:spt=“75” o:preferrelative=“t” path=“m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe” filled=“f” stroked=“f” id="_x0000_t75"><v:stroke joinstyle=“miter”></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn=“if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0”></v:f><v:f eqn=“sum @0 1 0”></v:f><v:f eqn=“sum 0 0 @1”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @2 1 2”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @3 21600 pixelWidth”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @3 21600 pixelHeight”></v:f><v:f eqn=“sum @0 0 1”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @6 1 2”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @7 21600 pixelWidth”></v:f><v:f eqn=“sum @8 21600 0”></v:f><v:f eqn=“prod @7 21600 pixelHeight”></v:f><v:f eqn=“sum @10 21600 0”></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:extrusionok=“f” gradientshapeok=“t” o:connecttype=“rect”></v:path><o:lock v:ext=“edit” aspectratio=“t”></o:lock></v:shapetype>
A guy is driving around the back woods of <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:state w:st=“on”>Queensland</st1:state></st1:place>, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk he says, “So, what’s your story?”<o:p></o:p>
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.<o:p></o:p>
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.<o:p></o:p>
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.<o:p></o:p>
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”<o:p></o:p>
<!--
–>
Apparently these are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A:
July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the
moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception
(of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you
doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A:
Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any
girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By
death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you
describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how
many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your
responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing
your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He
said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset
you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you
check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for
breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you
be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere
<!--
–>
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.
<!--
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
–>
<!--–>
Got in touch with my
feminine side for today’s contribution.
Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia’s
Way
To
keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
The
Real Woman’s Way
Buy
Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia’s
Way
When
a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
The
Real Woman’s Way
Tescos’
sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia’s
Way
If
you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.
The
Real Woman’s Way
If
you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s tough sh!t. Please
recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it
and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’
Delia’s
Way
Wrap
celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks
The
Real Woman’s Way
It
could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia’s
Way
Cure
for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The
Real Woman’s Way
Cure
for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you
wont give a sh*t?
Delia’s
Way
If
you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The
Real Woman’s Way
Why
do I have a man?
Finally
the most important tip
Delia’s
Way
Freeze
leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The
Real Woman’s Way
left
over wine??? Helllloooo!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The
husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember
back then?’ he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The
husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
‘I would have been released today.’—
Taken from another board:—
Do not read this if you are in a Library:
Quote:
ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a “pocket Taser” for their anniversary submitted this…
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn
Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little “something extra” for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The
effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety… WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a
metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to
my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there
alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
“don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!
(&# %& (# %) (&##)!!!
I’m
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, do it
again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A
ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that
thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
That
hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Why’s of Men
1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius
2. Why don’t women blink during sex?
They don’t have enough time
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop to ask directions
4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock
5. Why were men given larger bains than dogs?
So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties
6. Why did god make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Don’t know…it never happened
8. Why did god put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn
One
day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What
setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ‘University of Oklahoma.’
An Irish priest was transferred to <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:state w:st=“on”>Texas</st1:state></st1:place> .
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:state w:st=“on”>Texas</st1:state></st1:place> mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station…The conversation went like this:
<o:p>"</o:p>Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?’’<o:p></o:p>
''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘‘Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!’’
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…
Father O’Malley then replied: '‘Aye, ‘tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.’’
<o:p></o:p>
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
i read this in an old book regarding the 1830s in the backwoods of america
small town,local magestrate asks town butcher,whats the percentage of rabbit to horse meat do you put into your rabbit and horse meat sausages,
butcher replies,about half and half,
magestrate says,what a pound of rabbit to a pound of horse meat,
no replies the butcher,one rabbit to one horse
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he ? stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Dear Lord,
I
pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to
death.
AMEN
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’
Anger Management—
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an horndog!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘horndog’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an horndog!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘horndog’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an horndog!” and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first horndog (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW horndog, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch, and the car’s parked right out in front."
I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen,” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, "I’m home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you’re an horndog!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called horndog #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an horndog!” (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah,” He screamed, “Stop calling me,” I said, “Make me,” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “horndog, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, horndog,” and hung up.
Then I called horndog #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, horndog,” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,” I answered, "Well, horndog, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
Paddy
meets Mick in the street & says “I wish u wud close yr curtains wen
making luv 2 yr wife. All the neighbours were laffing at u yesterday”.
“well, says Mick, the laugh is on them cos I wasn’t home yesterday!”