There’s been a power cut in Dublin’s largest department store today… Some customers have been stuck on the escalators for over three hours!
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Debra during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Debra kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
It is with great sadness that I have just read
of the passing of the composer Jim Horowitz. Not many people will
recognise Jim’s name but I can guarantee that you will have all enjoyed
one of Jim’s compositions on many occasions because it was Jim who
wrote the words and music to the Hokey Cokey.
Additional sympathy must be extended to Jim’s family for the extra
trauma they suffered when placing him in his coffin, first they put his
left leg in and it all went wrong from there on.—
Paddy
phones for an ambulance as his mate’s been hit by a car. Operator asks
where the accident is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus rd. He’s asked:
How do you spell that? The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator
gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says sorry about that, I’ve just dragged
him to number 3 Oak St.
Mary recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
‘Clive, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!’ She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said
’Clive, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it with the insurance money!’ Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said
’Clive, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!‘
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said
’Clive, remember that blow job you always wanted?’ 'Here it comes…
Last one for a couple of weeks while I go on holiday.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, “not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
Politicians—
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten
roosters, to fertilize the pullets’ eggs.
Trevor kept a close
eye on them and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot
and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite
rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this
particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.
The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor’s
amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor
was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and
Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result?
The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly
Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren’t paying attention.
One for cat lovers everywhere—
How to wash a toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
A man said to his wife I had too show the grey hair on my chest too get my pension.
Wife said you should have shown your w-lly we could have got disability allowance too.
You’ll not believe this but, 60 years ago , a cousin of mine, David, who was only about 8 YO at the time did exactly #1, #2 and #3 until his Dad caught him doing it. He made more noise than the cat. He said “I thought the cat looked dirty and needed a wash”
SMART
ARSE ANSWERS 2008
The last one is a worthy winner.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
The last one is a worthy winner.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
A new Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a
<st1:place w:st=“on”>Liverpool</st1:place> fan.
She asks her students to raise their
hands if they too are <st1:place w:st=“on”>Liverpool</st1:place> fans.
Everyone in the class raises their
hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with
surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?’
‘Because I’m not a <st1:place w:st=“on”>Liverpool</st1:place>
fan,’ she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked,
‘Well, if you are not a <st1:place w:st=“on”>Liverpool</st1:place> fan, then
who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,
‘Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her
ears. ‘Mary, why are you a Man Utd fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and
my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an
obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don’t have to be just like your
parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was
a drug addict, what would you be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a <st1:place w:st=“on”>Liverpool</st1:place> fan.
An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are
in a bar.
They’re staring at another man sitting on his
own at a table in the corner.
He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is
driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the
Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of
Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the
three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement: ‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a
miracle!’
Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking
him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.
‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my
life is completely gone! It’s A Miracle.’
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
A scouser walked into the local job
centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said ‘Hi, I’m looking for a
job’.
The man behind the counter replied
‘Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got One in from a very wealthy man who
wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have
to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the
young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year’.
The Scouser said ‘You’re bullsh*tting
me!’
The man behind the counter said ‘Well
you started it!’
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this
morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
taken from the old '5 list…still going, just—
A woman walks into the doctor’s office and says: "Doctor, I hurt all over."
The doctor replies, “That’s impossible. No one can really hurt all over.”
“No really!” she said, "Just look: When I touch my arm, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts, she replies."
The doctor looks at her knowingly, and says, "You’re a natural blond aren’t you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, “Because, your finger is broken.”
Into a
Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he’d just been run over by a
train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and
bruised and he’s walking with a limp
" What
happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"
Jamie
O’Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner,” says
Sean,
“He couldn’t do that to you,
he must have had something in his
hand.”
" That he
did," says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin’ he gave
me with it.”
“Well,”
says Sean, “you should have defended yourself,
didn’t you have something in
your hand?”
That I
did," said Paddy.
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of
beauty it was,
but useless in a fight.”
********************************************************************************************
A n Irishman
who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from
the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop
pulls him over.
“S
o,” says
the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
“W
hy, I’ve
been to the pub of course,”
slurs the drunk.
"
Well,"
says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite
a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“D
id you
know,” says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his
chest,
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?”
“O
h, thank
heavens,” sighs the drunk.
"F
or a minute there,
I thought I’d gone deaf."
Brenda
O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her
door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“O
f course
you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.
But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m
here to be telling ya, Brenda.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery…"
“Oh, God
no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” "I
must,
Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.
Finally, she
looked up at Tim.
“How
did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of
Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear
Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did
he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… no. In fact,
he got out three
times to pee.”
*********************************************************
M ary
Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she’s
in tears.
H
e says, “So
what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says,
"Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news.
My
husband passed away last night."
The
priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last
requests?”
S he
says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
"
S
he says,
He said,
‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’
*********************************************************************************************************
AND
T
HE
B
EST
F
OR
L
AST
A
drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.
The
Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally,
the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
T
he
drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin,
there’s no paper on this side
either!”
Subject: MUFC—
Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford…
Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
‘Hello Mum, guess what?’ he says (in an Iraqi accent). 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.
‘Wonderful,’ says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset, ‘What can I say Mum, but I’m so sorry.’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his Mum, ‘It’s your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!’
Found an interesting news item that caught my eye - Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain
A Norfolk farmer is overseeing his herd in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new European car advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?'
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’
‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says the
farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why
not?’
‘You work for the The UK Government, Kevin’s Office’, says the
farmer.
‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that I
am from the Brown Government?’
‘No guessing required.’ answered the farmer. ‘You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else
paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don’t know a thing about cows … this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my bloody dog.’
THE BLONDE AND THE
COW"
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the
barn… Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
The
rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination
man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This
is the one right here.’ The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde,
a asks, 'Tell me lady, ‘cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is
the right cow to be bred?’
‘That’s simple," she said. "By the nail
that’s over its stall,’ she
explains very confidently.
Laughing
rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?’
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, ‘I
guess it’s to hang your pants on.’
(It’s nice to see a blonde winning once
in awhile.)
the ventriloquist is telling blond jokes, when a blond lady stands up in the audience and shouts,I’m fed up with all these blond jokes,the ventriloquist ,a bit embarrassed,starts to explain,its only a joke lady,when she retorts,I’m not talking to you,I’m talking to the gobby little git sitting on your knee
Sorry if you’re a blonde 
A blonde teenage girl,
wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself
out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said.
‘How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes & everything she
would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said
to her husband, “Do you think she realizes that our porch goes ALL the
way around the house?”
He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’
The wife replied, 'You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the surprised husband asked.
“Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a ten dollar tip.
“And by the WAY - ,” the blonde added, “It’s NOT a PORCH, -
it’s a LEXUS!”
23 people have been found glued to the walls and ceiling of a train in Dublin, police believe someone has set off the first no more nails bomb