Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they were moving around the course in short time until they came upon a twosome of ladies on the twelfth hole.
The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a snail’s pace.
Finally one of the men said, "I’m going to drive up to those ladies, give them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or else!"
As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path got about half the way to the ladies, abruptly turned around and returned to the tee.
The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"
The first said, “I couldn’t say anything. As I got closer I realized that one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress.”
“That’s OK, I’ll go talk to them,” replied the second man as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women. Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.
As he approached the tee he said, “Small world, isn’t it!”
“Squawks” are problem
listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the
next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the
replies from the maintenance crews.
§=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
§
Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left
inside main tire
§ Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S)
Autoland not installed on this aircraft
§ #2 Propeller seeping prop
fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1#3 and #4 propellers lack
normal seepage
§ Something loose in cockpit (S) Something
tightened in cockpit
§ Evidence of leak on right main landing
gear (S) Evidence removed
§ DME volume unbelievably loud (S)
Volume set to more believable level
§ Dead bugs on windshield (S)
Live bugs on order
§ Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
§ Friction locks
cause throttle levers to stick (S) That’s what they’re there for
§
Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief
search
§ Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten
up, “fly right” and be serious
§ Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed
Target Radar with the lyrics
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable…
A
woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and
dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome … So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?”
exclaimed the hairdresser. " That’s a terrible airline. Their planes
are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome?"
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t
go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it’s really a Dump, the worst
hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and
they’re overpriced…
So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome …
“It
was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one
of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And
the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no
extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually,
we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure
enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law
of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation
Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law
of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be
seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The
Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law
of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’
Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment
and you’ll stay sick.
'Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The
monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You
must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said:
'That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.'
But
man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, 'You asked for it.'
So
that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Negative people