Two gentlemen comparing spouses:-
1st - “My wife’s an angel!”
2nd- “You lucky b*****d, mine’s still alive!!”
I handed over my I.D. to the clerk in the Post Office.
“Blimey” she said, 'You’ve aged a bit since you had this photo taken"
“You’re damn right I have, I had it taken just before I joined your flaming queue!”
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get
through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave
the bloody car in the garage this time."
I didn't see it coming either
While we’re on the subject of wives…
A woman walked into the village pharmacy and said:
“I´d like to buy some arsenic”
“I can´t sell you arsenic” answered the pharmacist, “what do you want it for.?”
“To kill my husband” she replied.
“That´s awful” he said, “No way can I sell it to you”
The women opened her purse and took out a photograph of her husband in bed with the wife of the pharmacist.
.
.
“Ah, you didn´t say you had a prescription”
.A young woman started work in the small English village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and he asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look” he said, “my regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small), a 320 (medium) or a 330 (large),
The word condom is never mentioned.”
The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350” please.
The girl panicked.
She phoned the chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
“Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs,” her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the bucket hanging between the guys legs.
“Yes!” She shouted down the phone, “he’s got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, “ Well, go back in there and give him £3.50…… He’s the window cleaner.”
My friend Dave had a racing snail, he took the shell off it because he thought that it would make it faster…
…but all it did was make it more sluggish!
There used to be a Lada dealers near me. Passing one day, I noticed the stock outside all had wheel clamps on them and I thought then, what a clever idea, stick a Lada on them to stop people stealing wheel clamps!
Aldi
You’ll need to be of a certain age to appreciated the punchline
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Gervaise, and says ‘I want that squid there’, pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Gervaise says, ‘but that’s my favourite, I don’t want to kill it, it’s so
mild and friendly’. But the customer is insistent, so Gervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can’t. Gervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can’t kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Gervaise has an idea, and says ‘OK, I’ll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he’s a tough guy, he’ll be able to kill it’. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees it’s mild little face and it’s hairy lip with a tear in it’s eye and he can’t kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they’re really sorry
and he can’t eat it.
The moral of the story?.. …
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
Maritime right of way:-
Canadian to approaching vessel(s):- “Canadian Coast Guard here, PLEASE alter course 40 degrees to port to avoid collision”
American vessel(s):- US Navy here, REQUIRE YOU to alter course 40 degrees to port to avoid collision"
Canadian:- “I say again, PLEASE alter course 40 degrees to port to avoid collision”
American:- “US Navy carrier ‘George Bush’ and supporting battle group here, YOU WILL alter course 40 degrees to port to avoid collision or face the consequences”
Canadian:- Canadian Coastguard here, this is a lighthouse. Your call!
Not really a joke, as such, but a TRUE STORY.
Back in the 70’s, I drove a rather nice Triumph GT6+, and was commuting across Birmingham one morning when I stopped at a set of traffic lights.
As I sat there in the left lane, an old Panther motorbike (remember them - 600cc single, and a bang every lamppost…?) pulled up alongside me, ridden by an even older gent in a long Belstaff coat and pudding-basin helmet.
I watched, fascinated, as he came to a halt, then slowly simply fell over to the left, bike and all…
My fascination turned to annoyance as the bike (and he) landed on the front wing and bonnet of my car, his helmet and handlebars scraping the nice maroon paintwork.
His bike was now firmly resting against my door, so I had to scramble out trough the passenger door (no mean feat of contortionism in a GT6) to help him lift the heavy old bike clear.
After I had dusted him down, and pulled the bike clear I asked what the :^%$£ he thought he was doing…
I’ll never forget his reply…
‘Sorry, mate, but I took the sidecar off last night and forgot it wasn’t there no more…!!’
But he did pay for the damage in the end…
Aldi
LOVE IT
A MARRIED MAN'S PRAYER :Dear God, You gave me childhood,You took it away.You gave me youth,You took it away.You gave me a wife ...Its been years now,just reminding You.
Sad story…
Two young lovers died in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they asked St. Peter if they could still be married.
“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months passed before Peter returned. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple asked, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”
To which St. Peter answered, “It took me six months to find a priest up here – how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
Aldi
Belated Boat Race News !
The Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate M.) has reportedly resigned as Royal Patron of the event when she learned that in her official capacity she would be obliged to kiss the cox of the winning eight…!!
(A joke better told verbally, methinx)
Aldi.
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills."Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are birth control pills?""Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."You gotta love Grandmas!
Customer Services - anywhere!!!
Ageing gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
So true, Joe…so true!
Sorry I can’t make it to Ashton Court this weekend, so I’ll try to raise a smile here instead, (at the risk of this thread turning into the 'Joe ‘n Aldi’ show…)
C’mon some of you newer guys - you must get sent the odd rib-tickler worth sharing!!
My new French wife fancied a meal to remind her of home. She asked me to go and get a bag of snails. So I went down to the pet shop and got a bag of snails. While I was there I saw one of my old mates and he fancied a pint. I thought “One won’t hurt!”
So, 6 pints and 3 hours later I’m walking back to our house and I’m about 20 feet from our door when I trip and spill all the snails on the floor. At that very moment the wife swings the door open and shouts “Where the hell have you been?”
I thought quickly and turned to the snails and shouted “Come on lads! We’re nearly there!”
Aldi
I too cannot go to Bristol; family stuff keeps getting in the way of enjoying the hobby.
I have informed one & all that the National rally day is booked regardless of any family commitment or otherwise
A Yorkshire farmer sees a guy drinking from the stream running through his land. “Eey up old cock, tha dun wanna be drinking from theer it’s full o’ 'oss piss an cow shite!”.
The chap shouts over " I’m sorry but I’m from London, can you speak clearly?"
Farmer replies, " if-you-use -two-hands-you -won’t-spill-any!!!
Barrie