Lets do a joke a day, hereâs a starter, made me laugh anyway
Â
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignorâs advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, donât gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, donât say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, âTake this and eat it for it is my body.â He did not say âEat meâ.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called âMary with the Cherryâ.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peterâs not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffyâs.â
So, thereâs this couple at home. Sheâs downstairs watching the telly and heâs upstairs having a shower. The doorbell rings. She answers the door, and its the husbandâs best mate. She lets him in and they both go into the kitchen and the wife explains that he husband is in the shower. The best mate says to the wife âIâve never seen you in a tight fitting Tshirt before, you really do have a great figure.â. The mate then says âI donât suppose I could have a quick feel?â. âNo chance!â says the wife. âWhat about if I were to give you ÂŁ100?â,he says. âNo way.â the wife replies. âHow about ÂŁ200?â, the mate continues. The wife thinks about this and remembers the nice Radley handbag that she saw yesterday. âOK thenâ, Says the wife, and the deal is done. She shows the mate her curves and he hands over the cash. Afterwards, he explains that he canât wait for the husband to finish his shower and quickly leaves.
  The husband comes downstairs and asks âWho was at the door?â. âOh it was only Bernie, he popped round to see you.â The wife says.
The husband then says âSmashing, did he bring back my ÂŁ200 that I lent him?â.
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My
car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road
and I had to walk back to get my husbandâs help. When I got home, I
couldnât believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbourâs
daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbourâs
daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for
the past six months. He wonât go to counselling and Iâm afraid I am a
wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Kate
Dear Kate:
A
car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,
 It
has something for everyone - If you know the
bush, it will appeal  to you, if you
work in the oil industry, there is something in
it for you too, if you have a sense of
humour - well, it might test it a little and
if you are not an Australian, then it
wonât help your knowledge of
Australian life one
bitâŚ
 Goodbye
Granddad  Poor old Granddadâs
passed away, cut off in his
prime,
 He never had a day off crook
- gone before his time, Â We found
him in the dunny, collapsed there on the
seat, Â A startled look upon his
face, his trousers around
his feet,  The doctor said
his heart was good - fit as any
trout, Â The Constable he had his
say, âfoul playâ was not
ruled out.  There were
theories at the inquest of snakebite
without trace,  Of redbacks
quietly creeping and death from outer
space, Â No-one had a clue at all -
the judge was in some doubt, Â When
Dad was called to have his say as to how it
came about,  âI reckon I
can clear it up,â said Dad with
trembling breath,  âYou see
itâs quite a story - but it could explain
his death.â  âThis here
exploration mob had been looking at our
soil, Â And they reckoned that our
farm was just the place
for oil,  So they came and
put a bore down and said theyâd
make some trials,
 They
drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said
about three miles.
 Well,
they never found a trace of oil and off they
went, post haste,  And I
couldnât see a hole like that go to flaminâ
waste, Â So I moved the dunny over it
- real smart move
IÂ thought, Â Iâd never have
to dig again - Iâd never be
âcaught shortâ.  The day I
moved the dunny, it looked a proper
sight, Â But I didnât dream poor
Granddad would pass away
that night,  Now I reckon
what has happened - poor Granddad
didnât know,  The dunny was
re-located when that night he had to
go. Â And youâll probably be
wondering how poor Granddad did his
dash--Â Â Well, he always used
to hold his breath  Until he heard
the splash!!
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule to a shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, âWell, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so Iâd nod my head in agreement.â
âAnd what about the men?â the minister asked.
âThey wanted to know if the mule was for saleâŚâ
 A little boy goes to his father and asks: Daddy, how was I born?
The father answers; Well son I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e.mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You got Male ".    Â
 This is the winning joke submitted to a competition to find the best joke.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesnât seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, âMy friend is dead! What can I do?â. The operator says âCalm down. I can help. First, letâs make sure heâs dead.â There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says âOK, now what?â
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
For those that donât know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the
radio recently.
Youâll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all
time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female
broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General
Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit
your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Weâre going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! Thatâs a bit irresponsible, isnât
it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I donât see why, theyâll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Donât
you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I donât see how. We will be
teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But youâre equipping them to
become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Maâam, youâre
equipped to be a prostitute, but youâre not one, are you?
An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by. âMummyâ the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?" The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: "I expect theyâre lost and are asking people for directions" The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: âwhy not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.â The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldnât let it go: âWhat are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?â
âOf courseâ the mother replied, âthatâs where New York taxi drivers come from.â
 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wifeâs back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, âThe weather out there is terrible.â
My loving wife of 10 years replied, âCan you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?â
