Daily jokes

Lets do a joke a day, here’s a starter, made me laugh anyway

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'


So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.


At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.


10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.


12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.


13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.—

Hay, Don’t knock religion. Some people need it in their lives, They need something they can always turn to for answers.

I, On the other hand, Use Google.

[:D]

So, there’s this couple at home. She’s downstairs watching the telly and he’s upstairs having a shower. The doorbell rings. She answers the door, and its the husband’s best mate. She lets him in and they both go into the kitchen and the wife explains that he husband is in the shower. The best mate says to the wife “I’ve never seen you in a tight fitting Tshirt before, you really do have a great figure.”. The mate then says “I don’t suppose I could have a quick feel?”. “No chance!” says the wife. “What about if I were to give you £100?”,he says. “No way.” the wife replies. “How about £200?”, the mate continues. The wife thinks about this and remembers the nice Radley handbag that she saw yesterday. “OK then”, Says the wife, and the deal is done. She shows the mate her curves and he hands over the cash. Afterwards, he explains that he can’t wait for the husband to finish his shower and quickly leaves.

   The husband comes downstairs and asks “Who was at the door?”. “Oh it was only Bernie, he popped round to see you.” The wife says.

The husband then says “Smashing, did he bring back my £200 that I lent him?”.

 The recession is really starting to bite and I find I’m having to make sacrifices   ----   I’ve stopped giving to charities.

What’s orange and would look good on Gordon Brown?

.

.

.

Fire ball !

Why men don’t do Agony Aunts—

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My
car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road
and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I
couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s
daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s
daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for
the past six months. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a
wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Kate



Dear Kate:

A
car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

Regards
John

 What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

What is the difference between a giraffe and a JCB?

A JCB has Hydraulics and a giraffe has high …

 

 

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, please ignore it.

It's just spam.               [8-|]

 

A lovely Australian Poem.

 It
has something for everyone - If you know the
bush, it will appeal
 to you, if you
work in the oil industry, there is something in
it for you 
too, if you have a sense of
humour - well, it might test it a little and
if 
you are not an Australian, then it
won’t help your knowledge of
Australian 
life one
bit…

 Goodbye
Granddad
 
Poor old Granddad’s
passed away, cut off in his
prime,

 He never had a day off crook
- gone before his time,
 
We found
him in the dunny, collapsed there on the
seat,
 
A startled look upon his
face, his trousers around
his 
feet,
 
The doctor said
his heart was good - fit as any
trout,
 
The Constable he had his
say, ‘foul play’ was not
ruled 
out.
 
There were
theories at the inquest of snakebite
without 
trace,
 Of redbacks
quietly creeping and death from outer
space,
 
No-one had a clue at all -
the judge was in some doubt,
 
When
Dad was called to have his say as to how it
came 
about,
 
‘I reckon I
can clear it up,’ said Dad with
trembling 
breath,
 
‘You see
it’s quite a story - but it could explain
his 
death.’
 
‘This here
exploration mob had been looking at our
soil,
 
And they reckoned that our
farm was just the place
for 
oil,
 
So they came and
put a bore down and said they’d
make 
some trials,

 They
drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said
about 
three miles.

 Well,
they never found a trace of oil and off they
went, 
post haste,
 
And I
couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’
waste,
 
So I moved the dunny over it
- real smart move

thought,
 
I’d never have
to dig again - I’d never be
‘caught 
short’.
 
The day I
moved the dunny, it looked a proper
sight,
 
But I didn’t dream poor
Granddad would pass away
that 
night,
 
Now I reckon
what has happened - poor Granddad
didn’t 
know,
 
The dunny was
re-located when that night he had to
go.
 
And you’ll probably be
wondering how poor Granddad did 
his
dash-- 
 
Well, he always used
to hold his breath
 
Until he heard
the splash!!

Nice one Joe—

Another bit of Australian folk lore

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule to a shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of
the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached
him, he would listen, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head
in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale…”

 

 Brilliant!  [:D]

 A little boy goes to his father and asks: Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers;  Well son I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e.mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You got Male ".     

 This is the winning joke submitted to a competition to find the best joke.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

 

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

THE BEST Put Down LINE
EVER

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the
radio recently.

You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children.  Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!  This is one of the best comeback lines of all
time.  It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female
broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General
Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit
your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We’re going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE
INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t
it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don’t see why, they’ll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don’t
you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don’t see how. We will be
teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you’re equipping them to
become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma’am, you’re
equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The
radio went silent and the interview
ended.


 I’d love to have the chance to use that. 

 

New York taxi driver

An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. 
As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.
“Mummy” the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"
The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: "I expect they’re lost and are asking people for directions"
The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: “why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.” 
The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn’t let it go:
“What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?”

“Of course” the mother replied, “that’s where New York taxi drivers come from.”

 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…