After retiring, I went to the DSS to apply for my pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the DSS.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
Pat and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by
the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it
and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the
back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his
leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and
Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he
is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again
exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some
serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another
accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and
transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's
dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the
saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put
his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by
the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it
and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the
back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his
leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and
Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he
is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again
exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some
serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another
accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and
transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's
dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the
saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put
his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession..........
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!!!
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession..........
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!!!
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local
neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'
neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'
Osama Bin Laden decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn’t a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI
so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian
Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
‘Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.’
Hope these cheered you up.
Go Ausssy Go[;)]—
Nice jokes Polly, esp the one about the priest and the politician
loved them. so did my pal in edinburgh.[:D]
Long grass
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.
He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the men.
“Sir, we don’t have any money for food,” one of the men replied.
“Come along with me,” instructed the lawyer.
The first man said, “But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry.”
“Bring them along too,” replied the lawyer.
The second man said, “Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?”
“No problem, bring them as well,” answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.
Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.
One of the men said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall.”
Carpet
An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn’t find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn’t find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, “I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them.”
“Now, I just need to find my budgie.”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying “Welcome to Smith’s Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor.”
The young man looked amazed and said, “But I’m a university graduate.”
The manager then said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I’ll show you how to do it.”
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter…
(An actual letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England)
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.
-
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
-
I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favourites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. Ib elieve that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
-
When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,
Ted Brewer
Pig misunderstanding
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly."Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
A bit mucky but…
A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mummy, mummy! What’s a lesbian?"
She replied, “Ask your father when she gets home!”
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
“Since when do you wear womens pants?”
“Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!”
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?” [:|].
A professor was asked to give a talk on ‘sex’.
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."
And sat back down.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I Once turned a weeks wages into Jack Daniels… And a hangover [H]
very good, all cracking my face open, where it should be [:D]
i can turn wine into water…[D]…[:D]