A Labour strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He’s led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.
St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks’ second hands are moving faster than others.
St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock’s second hand ends up moving faster.
The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn’t see Tony Blair’s clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.
“Oh,” answers St. Peter, “that’s being used as a ceiling fan.”
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
“OK,” says Clinton, “give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”
The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.” This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hilary’s hand writing”.
Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.
The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem!
Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why is that? It’s not that great.
Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness - but you’re about a day late.
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames in Central London
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.’
‘Same here. Hmm… How do you catch them?’
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s h i t out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s h i t out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.’
It's that time of year to take our senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself
with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However,
if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4
4.
It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East
Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany, West Germany , or no man’s land’?
Answer: You don’t bury survivors.
If
you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question.
5.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon
, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off
and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people
get on … In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you re member your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
News Flash … This just in. The
world’s religious leaders have issued a joint
declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the
start of the aporkalypse.
[:D] [:$]
you’ve got to love this one;
frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he
feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old
lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to
the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full
of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment
for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You
know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
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If you read on you have only yourself to blame.......
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"That was Thora Hird."
A couple of tales from Ireland—
Donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.
A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made
a profit of £898.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Irish Government
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.
'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking.
a Lion
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . .. .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;" lang="EN-NZ">
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
and another; i suspect gw will appreciate this.
–
It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first
joke
that is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the
Australian Hotels Association, the
general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales
), XXXX
( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia )
found
themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked
what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys
said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New…”
To which the
boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King
of Beers.”
And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the
cleanest draught
on the planet.”
The General Manager of Carlton &
United paused a moment and then placed
his order: “VB.”
The head of XXXX smiled and said "I’ll
have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new
head.
“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking
beer,
then neither will I.”
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said “It’s Tony Blair. He’s up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.”
“Donations!” I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said “about ten gallons.”
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy’s wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, “Go kill your wife of five years.” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, “I can’t do it.” The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."
The second candidate’s wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, “Go kill your wife of ten years.” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, “I can’t do it.” The instructor replied, “Then you fail out - get out.”
Finally, the third candidate’s wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, “Go kill your wife of fifteen years.” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, “You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her.”
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
'You send bill to Government.
I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday !
The ba$tard stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, When I woke up this morning I felt absolutely brilliant.
Sadly, my wife isn’t what she once was…
.
.
My girlfriend.
My girlfriend told me she had a dream last night that she got engaged and I bought her a massive diamond ring.
“What do you think it means?” she asked.
“You’ll find out tonight,” I told her.
She was not impressed when she got home and saw that I had bought her a book called “How to interpret your dreams.”