Daily jokes

[Martin_Young]

In an old-fashioned railway carriage there are an Englishman, a Frenchman and two young ladies.  The train goes into a tunnel and, after a moment, there’s an almighty SLAP sound.  When the train leaves the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red cheek and a look of absolute shock on his face.

The Frenchman thinks: “Zut allors - that English pig has molested one of the ladies and they thought it was me!”

The ladies each think: “That dreadful Frenchman has taken advantage of my companion and got just what he deserved”

The Englishman thinks “I hope there’s another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French b****** again”

 

[joecottrell]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

 

[Pollyanna]

 When I was working a few years back a young woman of about 35 told me this story about herself. I’ll call her Jane.

Jane  and her husband were having marital problems of the sex variety. Her husband Tom went to see his doctor for advice and she asked him to get his wife to go and see her on her own.

Jane went to see the lady doctor and one of the questions that the doctor asked Jane was, " Have you ever done anything for your husband that he liked but you hated doing"?  She replied " yes I often make him a steak & kidney pie."     I remember she couldn’t stop laughing when she told me how naive she was at the time. 

[purps]

Man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose and a cucumber in his ear.

“What on Earth is wrong with me?” asks the man.

The doctor replies, “I don’t think you’re eating properly”.

[Pollyanna]

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,

asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, How

would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would  you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be

right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the

dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your

good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say : Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I

have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I

hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[Geoff_Walton]

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced in church
services: —
-------------------------- 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals. 
-------------------------- 
The sermon this morning:
‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for
Jesus.’ 
-------------------------- 
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage
sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands. 
-------------------------- 
Remember in
prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to
love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about
you. 
-------------------------- 
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the
Church help. 
-------------------------- 
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will
not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation. 
-------------------------- 
For those of you who have
children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs. 
-------------------------- 
Next Thursday there will be
try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can
get. 
-------------------------- 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their
school days. 
-------------------------- 
A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow. 
-------------------------- 
At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir
practice. 
-------------------------- 
Eight new choir robes are currently
needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones. 
--------------------------
Please place your donation
in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered. 
-------------------------- 
The church will host an evening
of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility. 
-------------------------- 
Pot-luck supper Sunday at
<st1:time minute=“0” hour=“17”>5:00
PM</st1:time> - prayer and medication to
follow. 
-------------------------- 
The ladies of the Church have cast
off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon. 
-------------------------- 
This evening at
<st1:time minute=“0” hour=“19”>7
PM</st1:time> there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church… Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin. 
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the
ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday. 
-------------------------- 
The eighth-graders
will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
<st1:time minute=“0” hour=“19”>7
PM</st1:time>. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy. 
----------- --------------- 
Weight Watchers will
meet at <st1:time minute=“0” hour=“19”>7
PM</st1:time> at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[joecottrell]

 

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
                     
 
         
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

 

2) Which country makes  Panama hats?
 
3)  From which animal do we get cat gut?
 
4)  In  which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 
7) What was King George VI's first name?
 
8) What color is a purple finch?
 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial  airplane?
 
 
 
 
 
Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass.
 
Check your answers below. 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
  
  
 
 
 ANSWERS
  
 1)How long did the Hundred Years War last?
         116 years
 
 2)Which country makes Panama hats?
         Ecuador
 
 3)From which animal do we get cat gut?
         Sheep and Horses
 
 4)In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
         November
 
 5)What is a camel's hair brush made of?
         Squirrel fur
 
 6)The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
         Dogs
 
 7)What  was King George VI's first name?
         Albert
 
 8)What colour is a purple finch?
         Crimson
 
 9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
         New Zealand
 
 10)What  is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
         Orange (of course!)
 
 
 What do you mean, you failed?!!
 
 Me, too...!!!

[joecottrell]

if this offends anybody then remove it & i apologise, but, i had to do it because i love the humour of guys from Oz.

 

 

 

 

[Geoff_Walton]

A Joke from our friends on the Caterham forum[:$]—

They don’t come much worse than this (do they ???)

Bob
Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens,
near Transylvania … They were driving in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway… It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely
see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of
control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his
head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and
sees his wife unconscious… With her head bleeding! Despite the rain
and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging
down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards
the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the
door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens
the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this
is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has
been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, "but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An
older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have
misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist… However, it
is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the
laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her
downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor
places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination,
Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a
transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob
and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s
master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which
houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the
house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His
eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch,
keeping time to the haunting piano music… Stunned, he watches as Bob’s
arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and
Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:





“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”


(I am soooooo sorry… But you really should’ve seen that coming)

[Pollyanna]

 <o:p></o:p><o:p></o:p>

A   Mexican, an Arab, and an Aussie are in the same bar.  


When  the  Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,  pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces. He says,  'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with  the same one twice.'  


The   Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a  muslim!), throws it into the  air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots  the glass to pieces. He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make  glasses that we don't  need to drink with the same one twice  either.'  
 
The  Aussie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one  gulp,  throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots  the  Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar,  and  calling for a refill,he says,
'In Australia we have so many illegal  immigrants that we don't have to drink with the  same ones  twice.'    
God  Bless Australia

__._,_.___

 

 

.

__,_._,___

 

 <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

[joecottrell]

At last Gordon Brown
decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues
decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after
him.

So a senior ‘Sir Humphrey’ went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities. "

They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.
> “Mostly freight locomotives though.”

“Oh
dear, that’s not very fitting for a prime minister,” said Sir Humphrey.
“How about that big green one, over there?” he said, pointing to the
Flying Scotsman
>
> “That’s already got a name” said the consultant. “number 4472, it’s called ‘FLYING SCOTSMAN’.”
>
> “Oh. Couldn’t it be renamed?” asked Sir Humphrey. “This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer.”

“I
suppose it might be considered,” said the consultant. “After all, the
LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the
company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower.”
>
>
“That’s excellent”, said Sir Humphrey, “So that’s settled then…let’s
look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can’t spend too
much, given the expenses scandal!”
>
> “Well”, said the consultant, “We could always just paint out the ‘F’.”

[Pollyanna]

 

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’”.

“No,” said Brown, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the Prime Minister, “that’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of Tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand…In a quiet voice he said: “If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Brown was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Gordon Brown. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either!”

[Pollyanna]

 Young Sam asks his father, “Dad, what’s the difference between potentially and realistically?”
His father ponders for a while, then replies, “I suggest you first ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you learned.”
“OK, dad,” says Sam.
Sam finds his mother and asks, “Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds?”
She replies, “Absolutely, Sam, how could I miss such an opportunity?”
Sam then goes to his older sister and asks, “Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds?”
His sister replies dreamily, “Oh Sam, of course I would, just give me the chance, that’s all I ask.”
Over the next few days, Sam thinks a lot about what his mother and sister have said. Then he goes back to his father.
“So Sam,” asks his father, “did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
Sam replies, “Yes dad, I learned that potentially we’re sitting on 2 million pounds, but realistically we’re living with two Koorveh.”
“That’s my boy,” says his father.
(Koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position)

[Pollyanna]

 This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
You suddenly realise who it is… It’s Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!

THE QUESTION

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Pollyanna]

 Gordon Brown is out jogging and accidentally falls into a very cold river.

Three boys see the accident and without a second thought, they jump into the water and drag out the soaking wet Brown.

Brown says “Boys,you have saved my life and deserve a reward. You name it and I’ll give it to you”.

The first boy says, "I’d like a holiday to disneyland."

Brown says, "Certainly."

The second boy says, "I’d like an MP3 player."

Brown says, "No problem."

The third boy says, "And 'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it."

Brown says, "But you’re not handicapped!"

The boy replies, “Not yet, but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”

[Reman]

 What’s got four legs and one arm?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A doberman in a playground.

[Pollyanna]

 

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, “When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, ‘Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.’ I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick.’ Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, ‘Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.’” He won the case

[Pollyanna]

 “According to a new poll, 65% of British voters say they would vote for David Cameron for Prime Minister in 2010. They also said they’d support his decision to step down in 2011.”

[joecottrell]

Paddy’s
fingers

 Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

 ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and
I’ll  see what oi can do’.



Paddy said,

 ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’



‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

   Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2008!

  We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

 I could  have put dem back on
and made you like new!

  Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’



And Paddy said,

 ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

 

[Pollyanna]

 Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going…




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak…




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.<o:p></o:p>

 <o:p></o:p>