Daily jokes

General Discussion Forums Life, The Universe and (almost) Everything!
81

 

Married men always need a good sense of humour. Read the following.
 
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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
 
Husband: Nothing.
 
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
 
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
 
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
 
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
 
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
 

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
 
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
 
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
 
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
 
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
 
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
 
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
 
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
 
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
 
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
 
________________________________
 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
 
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
 
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
 
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
 
 
 
 
 
Husbands are husbands
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 
 
 
82

Something to think about if your getting married soon !

When the wife to be enters the church the first thing she’ll see is the aisle she has to walk down.

Next, As she nears the end of the aisle, She’ll notice the alter in front of her.

After that, She’ll turn and look straight at you…

It’s funny because this is what she thought when she first met you !

.

Aisle Alter You !

83

—The Perfect husband???

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A
cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, …go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN : " How much ? "

WOMAN : " $90,000 "

MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!"

WOMAN: “Thank you honey” Oh, and one more thing … The house we wanted last year is back on the market"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."

WOMAN: "They’re asking $950,000."

MAN:
" Go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take
it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000 because it’s really what you
want."
WOMAN : "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then turns and asks: “Anyone know who’s this phone belongs to?”

84

The ladies are down the pub—

The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my
husband for 16 years.

We were chatting about our relationships
and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra &
bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet
in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went:


My
engaged friend: The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me
wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me
and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made
love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met
my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and
mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t
say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share
my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came
in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Batman?”

85

 Excellent Geoff.

86

I just passed an AA van parked on the side of the road, the driver was sitting there crying his eyes out…i think he’s heading for a breakdown!

87

 During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
“Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.
The lady was insulted. “You bloody Americans are so rude”, she said,
“can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down”, he said.
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant”.
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
"Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window.”

88

 

Six Feet Under The Sheets

Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. “Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice you here with me.” The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Kathy’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

“Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!”

“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.”

The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, and four… By gosh, you’re right, dear!”
89

Old age—

Jacob, age 83, and Rebecca, age 79, are excited about their decision to
get married… They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way, they pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers “Yes”.

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob:“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety…the works!”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s Disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes . Why do you ask? Is there something I can Help you with?”

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

“We’d like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop.”

90

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were up in court charged with playing an illegal card game for money.
‘I wasn’t gambling in an illegal card game your honour,’ said The Englishman to The judge, ‘I was just showing my friends a magic trick with The cards.’
‘Case dismissed,’ said The judge.
‘I wasn’t gambling at cards either your honour,’ said The Scotsman, ‘I was just trying to calculate The odds of getting a full house.’
‘Case dismissed also,’ said The judge.
‘Now,’ he said to The Irishman, Were you playing an illegal card game?’
‘Who with?’ said The Irishman.

91

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking an intelligence test. They were all asked The question: "Which bird does not build its own nest?’
‘It’s The canary,’ said The Englishman. ‘He lives in a cage.’
‘It’s The parrot,’ said The Scotsman. ‘He lives in The zoo.’
‘It’s The cuckoo,’ said The Irishman.
‘Very good,’ said The examiner, ‘how did you know that?’
‘Everybody knows The cuckoo lives in a clock,’ said The Irishman.

 

92

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That’s terrific,’ said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?’
‘In The Sahara Desert,’ said The Irishman.
‘But there aren’t any trees in The Sahara Desert,’ said The foreman.
‘Not now there aren’t,’ said The Irishman.

93

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman took part in an international competition to see who had The greatest ability to endure foul smells. Each of them had to share a cage for as long as possible with an extremely smelly goat. The Irishman lasted three minutes, The Scotsman lasted four minutes. Then The Englishman went, in and after five minutes The goat came out.

94

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all claimed to be The most famous of The three of them.
‘I’m known all over England,’ said The Englishman.
‘I’m known all over The world and other places besides,’ said The Scotsman.
‘Let me show you both how famous I am,’ said The Irishman. So they all travelled to Italy together, to The Vatican and into St Peter’s Square. The Englishman and The Scotsman looked up and saw Paddy The Irish- man standing on The balcony with his arm around The Pope, waving to The crowd. An Italian standing nearby said to The Englishman and The Scotsman, ‘Who’s that fellow on The balcony beside The Irishman?’

95

 Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by.

“Help!” Barty shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!”

Don’t worry," assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.”

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, “Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.”

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

96

 

They’d been stranded on the island now for over two years. Three shipwrecked sailors who had been lucky to survive and had made the best of the natural resources they’d found. But now it was becoming obvious that there was no possible hope of rescue. Doomed to a lonely, monotonous existence, they sat on the beach and stared out to sea. Suddenly there was a glint in the water - yes - definitely something shining, bouncing on the waves. Yes, there it was, a bottle. Yes, a bottle. Maybe there was a message in it it was certainly corked.

Quickly, Angus the Scot snatched it up and pulled out the cork.

There was a huge puff of smoke and out curled a genie.

‘Thank you, master. You have released me from an evil curse. And to reward you I shall grant each of you a wish. What will they be?’

‘Well,’ said Angus, ‘I’d like ten million pounds, a country estate in Scotland and a beautiful wife.’

‘It shall be done,’ said the genie and Angus disappeared to be re-sited in Scotland.

‘As for me,’ said Quentin, ‘I’d also like ten million pounds, but my estate would be in lovely Hampshire with my darling Dorothy there to love me.’

‘It shall be done,’ said the genie again, and off went the Englishman.

‘And what about you?’ said the spirit to Murphy. ‘What is your wish?’

‘Well,’ said the Kerryman, ‘I don’t want money or land. I’m lonely and need company. I wish the two lads were back here!’

97

I don’t think we have done this one before, if we have it’s worth repeating—

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo
safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles
along for company.


One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long,
discovers he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”



Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”,
says the leopard, “That was close!  That old poodle nearly had me!”



Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up.



The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.




The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine!



Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
poodle says…



"Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!




Moral of this story…




Don’t mess with old farts… age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

98

and one for the Welshman amongst us—

A couple are touring the Isle of Anglesey in North West Wales.




As they approach
 Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they start
arguing about the pronunciation of the village’s name. They argue back
and forth until they stop for lunch at a roadside fast food restaurant.




When a blonde waitress comes to their table the husband says,


“Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?


Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?”




The waitress replies,


“Burrrr, gerrrr Kinngg.”

99

Doctor Dave had slept
with one of his patients  and felt guilty all day
long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about
it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal
were overwhelming.
 
But every now and
then he’d hear an internal reassuring voice in his
head that said:  “Dave, don’t worry about it. You
aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with
one of their patients and you won’t be the last.

 
 And you’re single. Just let it go.”


But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.

Whispering…

 Dave…
 
 Dave…
 

 …you’re a vet.

100

Once
upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six
days.


Eventually,
Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.


He
enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards
through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked
puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s
a planet,’ replied God,
‘and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going
to be a
great place of balance.’

‘Balance?’
inquired Michael,
still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different
parts of the earth.

'For
example, North America
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America
is going to
be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and
Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of
white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God
continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will
be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God’s
work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s
that?’

‘Ah,’
said God. That’s the North of England, the most glorious place
on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football
teams in
the North west
alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world’s
finest
artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
The people from the North of England are going to be modest,
intelligent
and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world.
They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and
they will be known throughout the world as speakers of
truth.‘

Michael
gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, =What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’

God
replied very wisely, - Wait
till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South ……….