For an old manc, that was a cracker—
You must have seen these…[A]
“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”
“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”
“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”
“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”
“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car.
“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”
“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
An Old priest lay dying in hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of London. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” she said.
“I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die,” whispered the preist
"I’ll see what I can do, Father," said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the House of Commons and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon would be delighted to meet the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Tony: "I don’t know why the old priest would want to meet us, but it certainly might help our images and even get me elected for Prime Minister for another term. Tony agreed that it was a very good especially if they got press coverage.
When they arrived at the hospital bed the old priest took Gordan’s hand in his right hand and Tony’s Hand in his left.
There was a silence and the look of serenity on the priest face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen why choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The Old preist replied slowly: “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.”
“Amen” said Gordon.
“Amen” said Tony.
The old priest continued: “He died between two lying bastards. I would like to do the same.”
Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former American Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
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Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
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They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 …with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol…we will have it secured the first night!
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—
An American decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took
a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way
across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside
a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on
the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call”. The American, being
intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was
used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went
along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this
was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you,"
said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC,
Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same
golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.
The
American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if
Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in
the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read “40 cents per call.” The American was
surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I’ve
travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in
many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the
US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Australia now, mate - it’s a local call”.
Guts or Balls…
There
is a medical distinction… We’ve all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: '‘Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’'
BALLS - Is coming home
late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
balls to say: '‘You’re next, fatty.’'
I
hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions… Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death
Police Warning
This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police.
Clubbers
in the North of England (Yorkshire area) have recently taken to
injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.
This practise is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
If you are approached by a Northerner offering you ‘E by gum’, immediately report them to the police.
Life
in the Australian Army…
Text of a letter from a kid from
Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga
is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland
)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than
workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before
the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping
in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya
boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to
feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but
its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You
don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are
buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ - geez its only just
like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one
will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t
even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya
don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting
truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the
city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not
like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and
Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out
I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the
platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off
to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys
to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your
loving daughter
Aussie humour—
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting…
At
the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth
when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin
in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere, both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell…
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The
host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, ‘I want the b@stard who pushed me in.’
This was sent to me by a Yorkshire man in Perth.
Being Australian
is about driving in a German car
to an Irish pub
for A Belgian beer,
then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry
or A Turkish kebab,
to sit on Swedish furniture and
watch American shows
on a Japanese TV.
Oh and....
Only in Australia ....
can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ....
do supermarkets make
sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop
to get their prescriptions
while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ....
do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and
a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ....
do banks leave both doors wide open
and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ....
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower
in the garage.
NOT TO MENTION....
3 Aussies die each year
testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Aussies are injured each year
by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996
by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000
trying on a new jumper
with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies
were admitted to Emergency
in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull
whilst throwing up into the toilet.
IF YOU'RE PROUD
TO BE AUSTRALIAN
SEND THIS ON !
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.‘
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
‘OK, so how many sales did you make today?’
The Aussie said ‘One!’
The manager groaned and continued, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?’ £124,237.64p the Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?’
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.?
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, ‘You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?’
'No, no, no… He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said…
‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.’
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
‘Now take off my stockings.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
‘Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.’
A guy is browsing in a
pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have
any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I
was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,”
the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,”
says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly
educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” the
guy asks, “Then answer this – how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?”
“Well,” the
parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t
see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says
the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t
you?”
“Actually, I speak
both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the
$20000 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssssssst,”
says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just
make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20 and
walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s
a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s
insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and
motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell
you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”
“What are you
talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the postman
delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” the
guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the
postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began
petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“NO!” he
exclaims. “And she let him?”
“Yes. Then he
continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began
to kiss her all over…”
Then the frantic guy
demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Damned if I know.
I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
These last two jokes had me doubled up, an excellent start to my birthday celebrations.[:D][:D][:D][:D]
Many
happy returns pollyana. [^]
Two
brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom
was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The
bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding
was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am
going to have a little broom!’
‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom
broom.
‘WE
HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’
Old
people have problems that you haven’t even Considered yet!
An 74-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this Jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The
next day the 74-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor’s’ office and
gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The
doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it’s
like this–first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with My left hand, but still nothing.
'Then
I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her
teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We
even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first
with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it
between her Knees, but still nothing.’
The
doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The
old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.’
It was fun being a baby boomer - until now.
Some of the artists of the 60’s
Are revising their hits.
They include;
Hermans Hermits - Mrs Brown you’ve got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores - Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba - Denture Queen
Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore - It’s my procedure and I’ll cry if I want to.
The Beatles - When I was 64
Mamas and papas - Catatonic dreaming
Gerry & The Pacemakers - Gerry & The Pacemaker
The Animals - House Of The Rising damp
The Tremeloes - Seepage Is Golden
Brian Poole - Bitch N Shout
Mike Pender’s Searchers - Arthritis Potion No.9
The Everly Brothers - Buggered Lower Back
Carl Perkins - Blue Suede Slippers
The Byrds- (Bedsores) Turn Turn Turn
Buddy Holly & The Crickets - Back in my day
Chuck Berry - Sorbolene
The Crests - 116 Candles
The Supremes - Where Did Our Life Go
The Angels - My Boils Back
Jerry Lee Lewis - Grey Balls of Fire
And my favourite…
Willy Nelson - On the commode again.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, 'that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, 'that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, 'that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
It appears my last joke was censored. This one should be OK.
TONY THE FARMER
Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. Tony kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Farmer Tony’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Tony’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.
Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Devon County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman came to their table, gave the husband a
big open-mouthed kiss, said she’d see him later, then walked away.
The wife glared at her husband and asked, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I
can understand that,” replied her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the
garage, no more yacht club, and no more dinners at restaurants like this. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Mark?” asked the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replied.—
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