Daily jokes

[Roadie]

Just heard some bad news.

The bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away.

His funfair is on monkey.

[Gerryn]

Sorry to say this - BUT:
Sad to see people who tell jokes don’t understand them - ‘Rounding up’ is a common agriculture term for getting them together - the joke is a play on words. Applying binary to it as an explanation doesn’t make it funny, it just complicates the whole joke. Most good jokes are beyond logic - that’s why they are funny.

[jezer]

When we got married my wife said to me “whatever happens I’ll stand by you.” I said “you’ll have to, Ive only got one chair.”

[Sword]

One snowman to another : " Can you smell carrots? "

[tfrgreen]

Grandson to Grandad " Granddad were you in the war"

Granddad “yes”

Grandson " did you keep your gun?"

Granddad  " No, they didn’t let me keep that".

Grandson " Did they let you keep your helmet"

Granddad " No they didn’t let me keep that"

Grandson " Did they let you keep your big grey coat"

Granddad " Yes, it’s up in the loft wrapped around the tank"

Grandson " So they let you keep that then.

 

[DonT]

Very good

[DonT]

Very good

[DonT]

Very good

[trufflehunt]

How’s life in North Korea ?

Oh, can’t complain.

[Aldi]

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty… You’re crazy to go to Rome… So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser… " That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Good luck on this trip of yours. You’re going to need it…"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!"

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”

He said: “What idiot did your flippin’ hair?”