I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said “Give me your number sexy.”
I replied “Have you got a pen?”
She smiled and said “Yes”
I replied
“Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
Well I thought it was funny.
Reg.
A man received message from his neighbour:
“Sorry sir, I am using your wife… day and night… when you are not
present at home… In fact - more than you;
I confess because now I feel very much guilty… Hope you will accept
my sincere apologies”.
… And the man shot his wife…
A few minutes later he received another message :
“Sorry sir, spelling mistake … wi fi. Not wife”.
ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow. In fact, just pee off and leave me alone.
2. S e x is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ■■■■ - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
English Stiff Upper Lip
On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You
think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround
sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and
to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I
remembered that this also needs power, so I sat
and talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
|
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my
age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2.. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? 7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost. 9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get some thing, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??? |
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
“Watch the watch — Watch the watch — Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all completely hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”
“S#1T” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre and Claude was never invited there again.
Nice one! Made me laugh
Just been to the gym.
They’ve got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour and started to feel sick.
It’s great though.
It does everything – Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
Flawless MALE LOGIC.
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
*Woman:*Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes
*Woman:*How many beers a day?
*Man:*Usually about 3
*Woman:*How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
£5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
*Woman:*And how long have you been drinking?
*Man:*About 20 years, I suppose
*Woman:*So a beer costs £5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400 correct?
*Man:*Correct
*Woman:*If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000, correct?
*Man:*Correct
*Woman:*Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
*Man:*Do you drink beer?
*Woman:*No
*Man:*Where’s your Ferrari then?
]
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
“You crafty little ■■■■■■■,” said the genie.