Never try to out-stare a cat.
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I tried once.
Fail.
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I’ve found that a combination of my looks and winning personality has kind of pushed me into being the forum poster boy.
It’s a hard role to maintain.
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You can’t download “Aps” if you haven’t got a “smartphone”! 
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Not every duck is a toilet duck
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I think you need to visit the quack…
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How To Give a Cat a Pill
Pick up cat and cradle in crook of arm as if holding a baby
Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure
With free hand pop pill into cats mouth and allow to swallow
Retrieve cat from behind sofa and soggy pill from floor
Repeat the process the other way around [just in case you or cat are left handed]
Throw 2 x soggy pills away
Take another pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat - this time holding rear paws tightly and forcing jaws open and holding mouth shut for count of 10
Don’t repeat the process [forget whether you or cat is left/right handed]
Instead - retrieve pills from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe and call for any help available
Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold head firmly whilst you force pill into mouth using wooden ruler. Drop pill down and massage cats throat vigorously
Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases and set aside for gluing later
Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to lie on cat so head is just seen. Put pill in drinking straw and force mouth open with pencil and blow hard
Check label to ensure pill not harmful to humans and drink 1 x beer to take taste away
Apply band-aids to any cuts to humans. Remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Remember to ring GP re Tetanus jabs up to date ?
Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill and open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard & open onto neck. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink another beer and open bottle of Scotch. Pour a shot of Scotch & apply Scotch to all scratches to yourself and any helper still remaining. Discard shredded clothing. Have a second shot for courage
Call Fire Department to retrieve the darn cat from neighbours tree and neighbour who crashed into said tree whilst avoiding the darn cat with his car
Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little B’s front and back paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining table leg. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill down cats throat followed by large piece of fillet steak/tuna/Dreamies…whatever the little darling likes and wash down with milk/cream…whatever the little darling likes
Consume rest of Scotch
Allow helper to call paramedics so you can be dispatched to A & E for stitches and psychiatric evaluation because it’s suspected you’ve got PTSD and other mental health issues as you keep seeing Grinning Cheshire Cats flicking their tails at you and saying
‘Who’s the Daddy’ ?
How To Give a Dog a Pill
Wrap it in sausage & toss it in the air
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Previous two posts are priceless. Thanks @Bullit2005 and @MartinPW
Incidentally, I nicked the Hercules post and put it in the ‘Dad jokes UK’ group on Facebook. Currently on 319 likes!
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I tried this at it’s great!
When It’s Time To Log Out of MX5 O.C. Forum
When in response to ‘Bangle’ you want to say ‘Bojangle’ (Mr) because that relates to Neil Diamond which relates to Sweet Caroline which relates to …Need I Say More
And I Thought I’d Stopped ‘Three Lions’ et al going through my head !
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Problem with your rear derailleur on your bike? Don’t start fiddling with the limit screws. Unless something has got bent, they’re unlikely to need adjustment. 9 times out of 10 it’ll be the cable tension. Usually it just needs tightening.
Oh, and don’t carry a light bulb in your back pocket.
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I bought a Ribble mountain bike off a friend who’s really into cycling.
Could I get the gears to index?
Eventually, I discovered why.
It had a 10 speed shifter and a 9 speed block…
Then I bought a brand new E mountain bike.
Could I get the gears to index?
Eventually I discovered why.
The idiot who assembled it had fed the cable into the derailleur clamp from the wrong end…
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I have learnt many things in life, including the couple previous post i have put in this thread, but I think the main “practical” thing I have pickup along the way is that there are just two things you need. Duck tape & WD40
-
If it moves and it shouldn’t - Duck tape it.
-
If t doesn’t move and it should - WD40 it.
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I always have both too! duck tape available in a few colours nowadays which is good and as WD-40 product range has expanded, I have a can of the contact cleaner which is also good.
Barrie
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Dogs are more reliable than people.
Allegedly.
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Don’t keep putting something off because you think it will be difficult or challenging. In reality you will get more of a mental challenge with it hanging over your head knowing you will have to do it eventually than if you just do it.
I find 9 times out of 10 it ends up being nowhere near as difficult or challenging as you imagine. You can also clear your head with it done and move on to something else and get a sense of achievement for completing it.
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Growing old is inevitable.
Growing up is optional.
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Do not buy anything endorsed by a celebrity without giving it serious thought first.
I was flying back from a race meeting in France when my name was announced over the tannoy, asking me to approach the gate. I was met by a female security agent who asked me to accompany her down the ramp. Somewhat concerned, I asked if there was a problem, to which she replied my case was buzzing!
With a touch of concern, we met up with a baggage handler by the front of the aircraft, sweating profusely, as he gingerly pushed my case forward, and turned into Usain Bolt as he disappeared at a rapid rate of knots.
Sure enough my case was vibrating, so I asked if I could have a look? As soon as I unzipped the case the buzzing stopped. I looked at the agent and the best I could manage was: “Erm, it’s stopped.” In response she raised an eyebrow, which I thought was not very helpful.
On zipping the case back up, the buzzing restarted. Reality dawned, when I said, “Bloody David Beckham!” In that typically French way, she looked sternly at me. “Pardon?”
“I think I know what it is,” I replied rather lamely. “Can I open the case again?”
Now I swear as she took a step back, she put a hand inside her jacket. What she had there I could not see, but I could imagine. Case unzipped I went to my toilet bag, and as I removed a wet shaver the buzzing stopped. You know the type - handle that holds a small battery, designed to give a close shave.
The security agent visibly relaxed. “Sir, you should always remove batteries from anything you pack!” With profuse apologies offered and a promise never to do it again, I remembered Beckham had promised a closer shave.
The one I got was closer than I I could ever have imagined. Cheers mate!
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In Similar vein:
Ex Boyfriend [1978]…But Now My Oldest Mate [43 yrs]
[We’ve Supported Each Other Through Thick and Thin over the Decades]
Anyway…My Dad Passed November and Mates’ Newbie Second Wife said ‘You Shouldn’t Be Alone For Xmas…Come Stay With Us !’
OK I Thought…Why Not ?
So Me and MX5 NB 2.5 plus Cocker Spaniel made trip from Whitby to Peterborough [No problems till I hit their Housing Estate…Dancing On Ice…Eat Your Heart Out…Getting My Girl to their Home…Slipping and Sliding…like we were on a Bobsleigh]
Phew…Arrived Safe & Sound…MX5, Me & the Cocker
BUT TENSION Emerged from Newbie Wife
[Why Can’t Folk Get That Men & Women Can Be MATES and JUST THAT ???]
My Mate and I Have a Lot of History [So Chats Down Memory Lane]
Begin to Realise New Wife Perceiving Me as ‘Threat’
So Then Caught Between Them
‘Mate…Your Missus Needs a New Kitchen’ etc
After a Fraught Week…New Wife Relaxed…Not Seeing Me as Threat
UNTIL FINAL DAY
Mate Took Me and Cocker on Walk Across Fields [Where My Darling Cocker Rolled in Fox Poo]
We Got Back to Newbie Wife saying: “There is Something Vibrating in Your Luggage”
Eyes Like Daggers
Unpacked in front of her [Like she was a Customs Officer]
My Electric Toothbrush [she suspected something more intimate]
Oh Joy !
Then got to…HAD TO DRIVE… ROOF DOWN back to Whitby due to Cocker Spaniel & Fox Poo…
It Must Have Taken Me 3 Days to Defrost with Warm Baths & Shampoo’ing the Cocker to Death
So Always Remove Batteries From Anything You Pack
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