The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…" The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, "I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, ‘Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!’
‘It’s not just one car!’ said the Essex girl, ‘There’s f*@#ing hundreds
of them!’
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited the gynecologist.
‘Come now,’ coaxed the doctor, ‘you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’
‘This one’s kind of strange…’
‘Let me be the judge of that,’ The doctor replied.
‘Well,’
she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a
plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was
full of pennies.’
‘I see.’
‘That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were five pence pieces in the bowl.’ ‘That night,’ she went on, ‘I went again,?
Plink-plink-plink, and there were ten pence pieces and this morning there were twenty pence pieces ! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,’ she implored,
'I’m scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t, and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly. “No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it then? What does she do ?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, ‘What’s going on here?’
‘My car broke down, officer’ says the woman calmly.
‘Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?’ he asks.
The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with
me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.’
‘The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.’
‘Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a few bottles of beer every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my
wife occasionally.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home
phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ’ Hello ? ‘
‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.
’ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?’
The child whispered, ’ No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’ ’ Yes '
‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ’ No ‘
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’
’ Yes , ’ whispered the child, ’ a policeman . ‘
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’
’ No, he’s busy , ’ whispered the child.
‘Busy doing what?’
’ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ’ came the whispered answer.
Growing
more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’
’ A helicopter ’ answered the whispering voice.
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
’ The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines
in the English newspapers read: ‘English archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network
a hundred years earlier than the Scots.’
One week later, ‘The Kerrymen,’ a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following:
'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee,
Paddy O’Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing .
Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already
gone
wireless!’
A new teacher was trying to
make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds,
Little Johnny stood up… The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid,
Little Johnny?’ 'No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny,
'giving up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t
paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, F OX ,
ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Johnny’s kindergarten
class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw
pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The
detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Little Johnny asked, " Why
didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little
Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m
buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.’ Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the
postman wants to buy Mum …’
Underwear dust One
evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!’ His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The
next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud
appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied …'It’s not talcum powder…It’s ‘Miracle Grow’
