A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no
ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,“coz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses”
I’ve been running round like a madman at work today.
As in “With a chainsaw”… And naked !
Can anyone else think of a use for multi-purpose compost, other than growing plants in it?
These were posted on an Australian
Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low
tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I
have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants
fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends
how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth
to Sydney
- can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three
thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane ,
Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last
slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia
? ( USA )
A:
A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not
… Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (
USA )
A: Face south and then
turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the
directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why?
Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo
races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British
politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A:
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A:
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia ,
but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A:
It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (
USA)
A:
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A:
Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A:
Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
heard it many times but I still have a laugh. FYI Kings Cross is a gay/red light district—
anyway
A couple of jokes landed in my inbox this am, can’t remember posting them before, but hey, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast!
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
and
In addition to
communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the
Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a
ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a
common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call
sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.
I just flew with a guy who
overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz
while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's
too good not to pass along.
The conversation went like
this...
Iranian Air Defense
Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace.
Identify
yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United
States aircraft. I am in Iraqi
airspace.'
Iranian Air Defense
Radar: 'You are in Iranian
airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor
aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United
States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll
wait!'
Iranian Air Defense
Radar: (no response ... total
silence)
A Scotsman came back from his holiday in London, and said “Those English Sassenachs aren’t very friendly. When I was in my hotel room, the ones in the next room were banging on the walls. And the ones above were hammering on my ceiling and the ones below were thumping on my floor. Sometimes they were so loud, I couldn’t hear myself playing my bagpipes.”
---[IMG]http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j183/gwa_2006/aussie-emoticon1-1.gif[/IMG]
A Texan lands in <st1:city w:st=“on”><st1:place w:st=“on”>Sydney</st1:place></st1:city>, and is picked up
by a taxi. After requesting a
tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport
and how in <st1:state w:st=“on”><st1:place w:st=“on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>
they have larger runways on their ranches…
They are soon crossing the <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:placename w:st=“on”>Sydney</st1:placename>
<st1:placename w:st=“on”>Harbour</st1:placename></st1:place> bridge, and the
man is further
unimpressed - “I have a duck pond bigger than that harbour, and an
ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy”.
The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn - “Is this a road,
or a track?”
So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden
and severe application of the brakes, the cabbie couldn’t help himself -
“Stupid
grasshoppers!” <o:p></o:p>
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak
and heat it.
one eskimo to another “can you smell carrots?”
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’
So
he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? Because
he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really heavy’
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it…’
A true story—
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! So easy to see happening - customer service, being what
it is today!
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank
billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
‘I am calling to tell you that she died in January.’
ANZ:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
ANZ:
‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
ANZ:
‘Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member:
‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
ANZ:
‘Excuse me?’
Family Member:
‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . … The part about her being dead?’
ANZ:
‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.’
ANZ:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member:
‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
ANZ:
(Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member:
‘No, I’m her great nephew.’
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member:
‘Sure.’
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member:
‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’
ANZ:
‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’
Family Member:
‘Would you like her new billing address?’
ANZ:
‘That might help.’
Family Member:
Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.’
ANZ:
‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member:
‘Well, what the F*** do you do with dead people on your planet?’
That’s really quite twisted… I like it !!
Not really a joke, But I found it bloody hilarious !
A blonde gets a job
as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone,
while
all the other kids are running around having fun.
She
takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
‘You ok?’ she
says.
‘Yes.’ he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you
know.'
she says.
‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.
‘Why?’ says
the blonde.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
–
LITTLE MARK ON MATHS
A teacher asks
her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one
of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Mark.
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little Mark says, ‘I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?’
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little Mark replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’
LITTLE MARK ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
‘Why?’ asks the father?
‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3,’’ I said ‘6’, replies Mark.
‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.
‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3x2?’’
‘What’s the f+#*ing difference?’ asks the father
‘That’s what I said!’
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little
Mark was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’
The
teacher replied, ‘Now, Mark, that is not the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.’
Little Mark, thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One
day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who
responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she
looked beautiful in it.’
‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
‘My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.’
She said, ‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Mark.
'Last
night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just +#%ing beautiful!’’
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little Mark was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’
Little Mark replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old…’
The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’
Little Mark answered, 'No, he minded his own +#%ing business.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’
The other one says ‘So are you, you fat b!*%^+£’
Deeply profound thoughts by men.—
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost
silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I’m gonna
divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.
A man walks up to the counter and asks for a plate of potatoes.
The woman says,"Oh,you must be from Ireland."
The man is furious,“What sort of stereotypical remark is that?. If I walked in here and asked for a haggis, Would you assume I was Scottish?”
"Well no,"says the woman.
"And if I walked in here and asked for some chow mein, would you think I was Chinese?"asks the man.
"No, I suppose not,"Replies the woman.
"So why do you automatically assume I’m Irish when all I want is a plate of potatoes,“asks the man.
“Because”, The woman replies"This is a Hairdressers!!!”