YOU got it, quite clever isn’t it?
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
“Pick me up…”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
“Pick me up…”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
With age comes wisdom
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
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1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span>
Whats so funny about stating the facts?
I don’t understand?
Scotty B.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life..
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country..
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Little Firefighter
If you don’t laugh at this one, you’re not breathing.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.‘
Thanks,’ the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer… The girl
had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s
testicles.
‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I
think you could go faster.
’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I
wouldn’t have a siren.’
Have we done this one?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A vain and self centered woman was always never really happy with the way she looked.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Eventually she asked her husband if he would mind if she had a breast enlargement.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
To which he responded. You don’t need to waste your money on that, just rub them everyday with a bit of toilet paper, and they would soon start to grow.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Suppressed she asked if that would really work.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He replied, well you have been doing it to your ass every day and now it is huge.<o:p></o:p>
FOOTBALL IN HEAVEN
Two 90 year old Irishmen, Seamus and Murphy, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Seamus is dying, Murphy visits him every day. One day Murphy says, ‘Seamus, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.’
Seamus looks up at Murphy from his deathbed,’ Murphy, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Seamus passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Murphy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ‘Murphy, Murphy.’
'Who is it? Asks Murphy sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘It’s me, Seamus.’
‘You’re not Seamus. Seamus just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Seamus,’ insists the voice.’
‘Seamus! Where are you?’
‘In Heaven’, replies Seamus. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ says Murphy.
The good news,’ Seamus says,’ is that there’s football in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends from Killarney who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ says Murphy. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’
‘You’re in the team for Tuesday.’
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
RIDDLE
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."Rudd frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?"
Gordon Brown walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Gordon . Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brotherand it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Gordon Brown answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Rudd goes back home to ask Wayne Swan his Treasurer, the same question.
" Wayne ! Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Swan. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Tony Abbott 's shoes in the next stall.
Swan asks Abbott , " Tony ! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Tony Abbott yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Swan smiles, and says, "Thanks Tony!" Then, he goes back to speak with Rudd.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott .."
Rudd gets up, stomps over to Swan, and angrily yells into his face
"No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown !"
—
John Howard, the former Australian PM, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. (Interesting??)
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars,
so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars,
so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be
no charge for the call and feel free to call Australia anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call
Australia for free. The devil replied, “Since Rudd became Prime Minister of Australia,
the country has gone to hell, so naturally it’s a local call.”
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A Short Neurological Test
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… And you don’t need glasses.
The Booze Bus
Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that.. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister of this lovely country of Australia - he's apologised, and says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!'
If this remark was aimed at me, 
the answer is that I do still need glasses but I increased the font size to read it as it was sent to me in small font.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 32," is the reply.'
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily,
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck , go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 32," is the reply.'
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily,
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck , go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL
GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma
and bursts into her Grandpa's room...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into
the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog…… because Grandma said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disneyland "
Kinda brings a tear to your eye don't it.?
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma
and bursts into her Grandpa's room...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into
the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog…… because Grandma said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disneyland "
Kinda brings a tear to your eye don't it.?
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
"Very good, that’s a big word."
The second boy says, “Predator.”
"Yes, that’s another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
“That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one, and she says it eats batteries like there’s no
tomorrow!”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk???
also
If mankind evolved from monkeys & apes,
why do we still have monkeys & apes???
You know, there are people in the world who genuinely don’t think that’s a joke.
Meantime, back at the jokes:
Bloke staggers painfully up to an ice cream van.
“I’d like an ice cream, please”.
“Crushed nuts?”
“No, it’s arthritis”.
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