It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke thatI can say is truly Queensland:—
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general
managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ),
Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and
Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for
lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said
without hesitation, "I’ll have a Tooheys New"
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I’ll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on
the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed
his order: "VB."
The head of XXXX smiled and said "I’ll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer,
then neither will I.”
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away" The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A Bradford man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks
& needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for
the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new
Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book
& everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking
Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000
loan.
The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari
into the bank’s underground garage, where he parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of
£15.41.
The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled…
While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a
multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “£5,000”?
The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Bradford can I park my car for two
weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return”
Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman…
This is why they survive
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think
they are right.
After 8 pints I talk rubbish and can’t drive!
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
This came in the Email today.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £3,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty
looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he
knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The
frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She
finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £3,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
(folks, you’re gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
I had to post this one, as I have been in many a similar situatuin myself…as the engineer…—
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,”
said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my
secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,
“I just need one copy.”
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing
It is a slow day in a small town in England , and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
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A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the hotel, and lays a £50 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
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As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
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The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
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The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer’s Co-op.
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The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.
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The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
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The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
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At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 note and leaves town.
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No one produced anything. No one earned anything… However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the government is conducting business today.<o:p></o:p>
Gordon Brown goes on a
state visit to Israel
. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells
the British Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for
£5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land,
for just £100.’
The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a
minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want
Gordon shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, “Why would
you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only £100? With the
money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit,
help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly.”
The British Diplomats replied, “Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take
that chance.”
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I was in Woolies the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that.
'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
Totally worn out, shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '
<span class="postbody"><br /></span>I may have posted this before, however no apologies—
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that
he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
’$10,000 per call’.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used
for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he
saw the
same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and
he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American …
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New
Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same
’$US10,000 per
call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had
the same phone.
He arrived at Melbourne, in Australia and again, in the first church he
entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the
sign under it read ‘40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to
Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Australia now, son - “This is
Heaven,” so it’s a local call’.
When I was young I was so unpopular that even my imaginary friends would tell me to sod off !
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...
Today you voted.'
Went out to wash the car this morning and a frozen pizza, four frozen chicken legs and a frozen black forest gateau fell out of the sky and narrowly missed me.
Must be the fallout from Iceland.
Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:
“Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train.”
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:
“Stop embarrassing us! go and get yourself a train too!”
A young nun goes to see the Mother Superior and says, “Reverend Mother, I have come to confess a sin. I have just had sexual intercourse with a man.”
The Mother Superior replies, “Go straight to the kitchen and suck a dozen lemons”.
“Will that stop me becoming pregnant?” asks the young nun.
“No,” replies the Mother Superior, “but it’ll take that stupid grin off your face!”
(As a Christian - really - I understand that the above may have caused some offence. I apologise, and I realise that instead of “young nun” I should have said “postulant woman religious”.)
This story is supposed to be true.
I couldn`t work out why the frisbee was getting bigger…And then it hit me 