oh GAWD
Unlike Children;
dogs and cats:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t smoke or drink,
(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don’t need a gazillion pounds for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children …
This may be on here already but here it is.
Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.<o:p></o:p>
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.<o:p></o:p>
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit us both.<o:p></o:p>
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.<o:p></o:p>
I’m now banned from the Co-op.<o:p></o:p>
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there"
Said the pie man unto Simon “…Errrr, pies…? You idiot.”
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–>
The
giraffe test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a
refrigerator?
Stop
and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll
down.
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This
question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
complicated way.
2
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did
you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the
door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of
your previous actions.
3.
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend…
except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more
chance to show your true abilities.
4.
There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct
Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This
tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According
to Anderson
Consulting
Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all
questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson
Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals
have the brains of a four-year-old.
As a bagpiper, I
play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to
play at a graveside service
for a homeless man.
He
had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s
cemetery
in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not
familiar with
the backwoods, I
got lost and being a typical man I didn’t
stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral
guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There
were
only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to
the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in
place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played my<br />heart and soul out for this man with
no
family and friends. I played like I’ve never played
before for this homeless man.
And as I played
‘Amazing
Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we
all wept
together.
When I finished I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low,
my heart
felt full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, <br /><br />"I never seen nothin' like that before
and I’ve
been putting in septic
tanks for twenty
years."
—
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One
day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next
Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The
postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The
rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those B**tards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
If you've ever
worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will
love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
my
darling husband,
Before you return from your
trip I just want to let you know about the
small
accident I had with the ute when I turned into our driveway.
Fortunately it’s not too bad and I
really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Caboolture and when I
turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator
instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly
bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when
it
bumped into your new car.
I am really sorry, but I
know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive
me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart. </b></span> <br /><span style="color: #000080;"><b><br />I am
enclosing a picture for you.</b></span><b><span style="color: #0000ff;"> <br /></span><span style="color: #000080;"><br />I cannot wait to
hold
you in my arms again.
Your
loving wife.
XX
P.S.
Your girlfriend
phoned.
My girlfriend found a blond hair on my clothes yesterday, She went mental so I had to make up something to calm her down… Anyone got a golden retriever I could borrow?
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE—
Take Note it may save you from the doghouse!!
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the car races before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, ‘You’re welcome’. (I want to add in a clause here: This is true, unless she says, ‘Thanks a lot’. That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say, ‘You’re welcome’. That will bring on a ‘Whatever’.
(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying?. 'F— YOU! '
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
as it happens, yes, I do! Her name is Petra and she’s very happy to provide alibis for the cost of a biscuit or two.
That’s a brilliant picture, I love it. Was that a lucky shot or did you set your camera to burst mode and take a hundred before this shot got captured?
I’ve never had any luck getting action shots of animals… But I have got this picture…
She’s my mums long haired german shepherd after she lost a fight with the hose pipe !
Scotty B.
Just a momentary topic hike chaps - normal joke service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Love the damp dog pic - can almost smell her!
It was a lucky shot, although I did take quite a few that day (18th Dec 09). That one is from this original and I’m very proud of it.
Here she is relaxed;
Then we had the snow in January… nice moody shot I think.
I’ve got an idea. To keep this thread on track, How about some funny caption suggestions for these pictures?
“I suppose you think that’s funny…”
Try this one for a caption then…
“Erm… Meow?”
I think to do this properly we should start another thread… What do you think?
—
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called
Justin and the other called
Kristian.
The prawns were
constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a
prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about
being eaten.’
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is
granted’
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified,
Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them.
Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the
cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the
mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him
back into a prawn…
He approached the cod and begged to be changed
back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch
line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse).
Looking
around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.
‘He’s at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark’, came the
reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.
As he opened the coral gate,
memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s
me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’
Kristian
replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not
be tricked into being your dinner.’
Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That
was the old me. I’ve changed.’…
(You’re going to love
this…)
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
‘I’ve found Cod. I’m
a Prawn again Kristian’
i loved the prawn joke…
It's Made Me Whimper Like A
Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It
Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My
Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back
Tomorrow.
Stand proud you
noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent
study
found the
average golfer walks about 900 miles a
year.
Another study
found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.
That means, on
average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind
of
makes you proud.
I Almost feel like a
hybrid. 