The train was crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only one left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’…
‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’ the war-weary Marine asked,
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the dog.
'Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out of the window.’
Two elderly fruit bats in a cave, The first says to the second “As I get older I’m starting to get worried about how my eyesight and hearing are getting worse”.
The second bat looked back and said “Stop whining. We’re bats that spend a lot of our lives hanging upside down, I’d happily swap your failing eyes and ears for my incontinence problem !”
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
|
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, ‘Who is that man going into the barn?’
‘That fellow travelling through,’ said the farmer, 'needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, ‘Perhaps he is hungry.’ So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. ‘How could he leave without even saying good-bye,’ she cried. ‘We made such passionate love last night!’
‘What?’ Shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, ‘I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!’
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…
‘LAIDTHEOLADEETOO’
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where the bloody hell do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I’ve already got one at home.
AUSTRALIAN WAY—
No matter what side of the AISLE you’re on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at same things.
Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: ‘Remus Rudd, horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.’
So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:
Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd’s staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
“Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
NOW That’s how it’s done, Folks!
That’s real POLITICAL SPIN.
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’
‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams…'Where’s my Rolex???..
Trafalgar a Politically Correct Version
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just before Battle - a conversation is overheard on the Deck of HMS Victory;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Sorry sir?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">to steel the men before battle."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Government's policy on binge drinking."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>...........full speed ahead."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "What?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Admiral."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">environment for the differently abled."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">disability card."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">of visual impairment and limb deficiency."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">stand by to engage the enemy."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, admiral."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of egal-aid lawyers on <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">board, watching everyone like hawks."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "We're not?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."</span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span>
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">rum, sodomy and the lash?"<br />
<br />
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal </span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">punishment."<br />
<br />
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"<br />
<br />
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."<br />
<br />
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span>
<o:p></o:p>
Today (Out of curiosity to see if it actually worked) I tried that Italian tip to check if spaghetti’s cooked by throwing a string of it at the wall.
First I tried the cooked spaghetti… It stuck there !
Then some raw spaghetti… That also stuck ???
Then I threw the wooden spoon at the wall… Holly cr*p! That stuck too !!!
I’ve now come to the conclusion that since my wife walked out on me I’ve really fell behind with keeping the kitchen walls clean.
It has been reported from the England Training camp that Rob Green has completed four hours of goalmouth training, in that time 4500 shots have been fired at him and not a single goal has been conceded.
Tomorrow Green and Hesky will resume training with the rest of the England squad.
It’s a sod being a thicky, I don’t get this one.
Its implying Heskey couldnt score in a brothel…Let`s hope he proves us all wrong tonight 
Oxo are to produce a new white oxo cube with a large red cross on it, in order to suppoprt Englands world cup hopes. Its called the laughing stock!!!
Your Duck is Dead-- —
A woman brought a very limp duck into a
veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled
out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s
chest.
After a
moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, “I’m sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”
The distressed woman
wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied
the
vet…
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean
you
haven’t done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a
coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and
left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador
Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned
with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed
the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook
its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet
looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry,
but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck.”
The vet
turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman…
The duck’s owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead!” The
vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my
word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and
the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
World Cup jokes<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
- What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
- Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
- What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
- Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England 's top scorer.
- Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.
- The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around
several
times, does he become
disoriented?
So… England are out of the FIFA World Cup. Never mind.
They do have some games lined up.
A friendly against Iceland followed by further matches against Asda and Tesco
Apologies to the Scottish contingent (of which i am one)
A
Scottish soldier in full dress marches into
a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot
opens
his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk
square,
which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The
condom has a number of patches on it. He holds
it up,
and eyes it critically.
‘How
much to repair it?’ the Scot asks
the pharmacist.
‘Sixpence,’
says the
pharmacist.
‘How
much for a new one?’
‘Ninepence,’
says the
pharmacist.
The
Scot folds the condom into the silk
square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his
sporran
and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt
swinging.
A
moment or two later the pharmacist
hears a great shout go up, followed by an even
greater
shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy,
and
again speaks to the pharmacist. ‘The regiment
has
taken a vote,’ the Scot says. 'We’ll have a new
one.'</span></b>