Two elderly people
living in Ft.
Myers ,
he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a
number of
years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena
in the
Clubhouse.
The two were at
the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he
took a
few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to
ask her,
'Will you marry me?'
After about six
seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered 'Yes. Yes, I
will!'
The meal ended
and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective
places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say ‘yes’ or did
she say
‘no’?'
He couldn’t
remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint
memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called
her…
First, he
explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed
the lovely evening past… As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired,
‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ’ Yes’ or did you
say
‘No’?'
He was delighted
to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it
with all
my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called,
because
I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’
After many years of marriage the wife said to her husband
“If I won the lottery, what would you do?”
" Ohh I would take half and leave you" he replied.
“Good she said, I have just won £12, here is £6, now bugger off”…
I ask for advice following a traumatic incident. I left home in the mx . After only 11/2miles it cut out completely so I walked back home. I found my wife in a compromising position with my neighbour’s young son. What advice would you suggest?
REPLY.
Have your coil pack and fuel filter checked.
Please note this is a joke! Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, or, married to me is purely unintentional .
A female or a sons mother may not accept your apology.
Make sure that you don’t leave any fragile MX5 parts on the kitchen table as these may be damaged during the indiscretion…
One Sunday
morning, —
a
priest decided to
do
something a little
different.
He
said
'Today, in
church, I am
going
to say
a single
word
and you are going
to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I
say,
I want you
to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind
–
the pastor shouted
out
‘CROSS.’
Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
‘THE OLD RUGGED
CROSS.’
The pastor hollered out ‘GRACE.’ The congregation began
to
sing ‘AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.’
The pastor said ‘POWER.’
The
congregation sang ‘THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.’
The Pastor said ‘SEX’
The
congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all
nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say
anything.
Then all of a sudden,
way from
in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up
and began to sing
‘MEMORIES.’
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between
her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked!
*‘You asked your neighbor?’ *
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
“In
wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is
bacteria!”
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water…
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:
“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…
Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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nice one Geoff.
DID NOAH FISH? http://
A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?’
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
Going to watch my wedding video later, backwards…Because I love the end bit where she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle, jumps in a car and buggers off!
I can tell this one as I grew up here
Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10
Anti-tank
missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in
forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a
semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side. Local
residents were stunned.
A community spokesman said: “We’re shocked. We never knew we had a library!”
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to
her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
I remember when I used to be able to go into the local corner shop with £2 in my pocket and get 2 bars of chocolate, An apple, A paper, 2 pints of milk, A bag of crisps and a bottle of Orange juice, AND STILL HAVE MONEY IN MY POCKET WHEN I CAME OUT !!!
Mr Reman, you wouldn’t need a single multi-millionairess if you won the lottery, or vice Vera.
Good point well made.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
“Nah, she can
order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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Italian
Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?'' |
Irish bus thieves
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.