I’d just
come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas, and a jumbo sausage. A
poor homeless man sat there and said:
I’ve not eaten for two days".
I told him: “I wish I had your bloody will-power”.
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! 
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put
my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under
the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But
then I think, since I’m going to be near the postbox when I take out
the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup…
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers…
I
put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I’ll be
looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water
the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then,
when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled
because I know I was busy all bloody day and I’m really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh - if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
—o0o—
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
----o0o—
On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings… If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
----o0o—
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
—o0o—
“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
—o0o—
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
—o0o—
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
—o0o—
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised."
—o0o—
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”
—o0o—
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o—
“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
—o0o—
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses…”
—o0o—
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
—o0o—
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
—o0o—
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
—o0o—
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
—o0o—
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
—o0o—
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal…”
—o0o—
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today… And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
—o0o—
Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing… If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”
—o0o—
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight… Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger then yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
Mark, that’s the best daily joke yet IMO. Laugh, my stomach hurts.
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed
them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.’'
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can’t wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly… I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try
these on…!
*
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don’t fit me…!
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don’t want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said,
'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can’t get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will…!
**An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and
gets sent to the **
Urologist as a precaution. When he
**gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very
pretty female **
doctor. The female doctor says, "I’m going
**to check your prostate today, but this new procedure
is a little **
**different from what you are probably used to. I want
you to lie on your **
**right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
prostate, take a **
deep breath and say, ‘99’.
**The old guy obeys and says,“99”. The doctor says,
“Great”. Now turn **
**over on your left side and again, while repeat the
check, take a deep **
breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, ‘99’."
**The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to
lie on your back **
**with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check
your prostate with **
**this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold
on to your penis to **
keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and
say, ‘99’.
The old guy begins, “One … Two …Three”.
OLD people have problems that you haven’t
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between
her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked!
*‘You asked your neighbor?’ *
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place…
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says…
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his… She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies. . .
Wait for it.
It’s coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?
She says:
‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
Making a baby.
There is not one dirty word in it…
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
'Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes… Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting…
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
(Anyone
who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear
about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the
children put
on his “Wellie boots”?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and
him pushing, the little “Wellies” still
didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second “Wellie”
on, she had worked up a
sweat.
She almost cried when the little
boy said, "Miss, they’re on the
wrong feet."
She looked, and
sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling
the “Wellies”
off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep
her cool as
together they worked to get the “Wellies” back on, this
time on the
right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my Wellies.” She bit
her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn’t
you say so?'
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting "Wellies"
off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten
the “Wellies” off when
he said, "They’re my brother’s “Wellies”, my
mum made me wear 'them.'
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh
or cry. But, she mustered up
what grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the “Wellies” on his
feet again.
Helping him into his
coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, “I
stuffed them in the toes of my “Wellies””.
=
=
=
She will be eligible
for parole in three
years!
I propose that U.K. should fall in line with the majority of the rest of the world and drive on the right.
This could be achieve more readily if the commencement were to be staggered by HGVs being first and other drivers joining in after a week or so.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN…
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In a cave near Ipoh, Malaysia:
NO PENETRATION IN THIS AREA AFTER 4PM
Just skinned your knuckles getting that bloody bolt off the exhaust pipe, dropped the axle stand on your foot, thrown that small part across the garage in a fit of pique…then read on…
Nothing going right?
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly. The little guy bursts into tears…
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy. "I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me.
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve a smart ass like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody lot.”
Steven Hawking has neuro-muscular dystrophy.
Despite being unable to speak and being confined to a wheelchair he's wrote multiple scientific papers, several books on the subjects of applied mathematics, theoretical physics and cosmology. He even found time to write a couple of children's books. He's experianced zero gravity on NASA's "Vomit comet". He even receved the OBE for his work. He did all this while he held a full time job as a Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University.
He's achieved so much DESPITE his crippling illness.........
So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a bloody job?
So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a bloody job?
those last two were brilliant…
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The
couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The
couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What
if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH,
COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a
Lawyer?!’
You might not think I’m good looking, But Jesus thought I was to die for.
This tread has been ongoing for fourteen months now, has anyone given up their day job to be a comic full time?