Daily jokes

Geoff_Walton · 26 October 2010 14:12

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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates

… As he enters, he
asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said,
‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in
search of God.



When he found Him, the
zebra asked, ‘God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I
black with white stripes?’



God simply replied ‘You
are what you are.’



The zebra returned to
see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your
query for you?’

The zebra looked
puzzled… ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.’’



St. Peter smiled and
said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black
stripes…’

The zebra asked St.
Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St.
Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You
is what you is…’

marpar · 14 November 2010 14:33

A very very old couple had been courting for some time and decided to go to bed for a cuddle.

After, the old bloke was thinking to himself “If I’d known she was a virgin I would have been more gentle and considerate.”

The old dear was thinking “If I had thought he could get it up I’d have taken my tights off.”

TonyRama · 15 November 2010 15:05

A young couple want to get married. The guy goes to see the priest and explains that he wants to get married. The priest says. “Son, this will be the end of all your troubles”. The marriage goes ahead. Six months later the guy visits the priest and wants to beat him up. “You told me this would be the end of all my troubles”. The priest says “Yes. But I didn’t say which end!”

flying_flea · 21 November 2010 23:07

What is a flea’s favourite book ?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy ! Big Smile

flying_flea · 21 November 2010 23:08

What do you call a cheerful flea ?
A hop-timist! Big Smile

joecottrell · 22 November 2010 13:47

Man
lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland .

He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, “Where am I?”

The Irish farmer looks up and
shouts back “You can’t kid me, you’re in that basket!” Big Smile

taff_eunos · 22 November 2010 21:59

How many MX-5OC members does it take to change a light bulb?

26, one to change it and the other 25 to discuss it at length on the forum!! Boom Boom Thumbs up

flying_flea · 22 November 2010 22:11

What did one flea say to the other after a night out ?
Shall we walk home or take a dog ? Big Smile <o:p></o:p>

marpar · 23 November 2010 00:16

Jock was a real mean cowboy painter and decorator. All his life he cut corners doing poor work and charging top prices, no undercoat, no preparation, cheap paint always thinned.

He wins the contract to paint the town church, only due to his cheapo practices. After he has done the job, the first rain washes off the paint . The public outcry and wrath of the church gets through to Jock, in his despair, realising what a nasty man he had been to his friends and neighbours, he goes to the very church to confess for the first time in his life. When he has made a full confession he asks what he can do to make ammends .

The Father says:

Repaint, repaint and thin no more.

flying_flea · 23 November 2010 15:39

How do fleas travel ?
They Itch hike !<o:p></o:p>

joecottrell · 24 November 2010 08:29

A girl phoned me and said,
'Come on over…

There’s nobody home.’

I went over.

Nobody was
home!

Don't know

flying_flea · 24 November 2010 15:59

What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny! Big Smile <o:p></o:p>

purps · 24 November 2010 16:14

These flea jokes are starting to “tick” me off!

flying_flea · 24 November 2010 16:45

Ha ha…good one Purps Big Smile

Geoff_Walton · 24 November 2010 23:34

Flea with jokes like those, there is only one answer Wink

flying_flea · 25 November 2010 15:20

Hello Mr Walton (sir). Where have you been hiding. Did you dig that tin out & take a picture just for little old me?

Anyhow another day & guess what?

What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear ?
A space invader !<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

Reman · 3 December 2010 22:23

I wonder how awkward prince william’s stag do will be when he realise’s he’s stuffing picture’s of his granny down the strippers knickers?

Sir_Cumference · 4 December 2010 12:11

What is the difference between a JCB and a giraffe/

Answer

A JCB has Hydraulics and a giraffe has high B%^&*£@S

DavesBRG5 · 7 December 2010 20:49

When travelling in extreme weather conditions the Government advise you should carry a shovel, a hazard light & a blanket!

I looked a right flipping pillock on the bus this morning!! Smile

Reman · 8 December 2010 06:57

One snowman leans over to another and says “Can you smell carrots?”