Daily jokes

Pollyanna · 8 December 2010 20:54

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?’

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

‘Fook off, ye’ll no bring it back!’

HBS · 13 December 2010 17:39

for those of a certain age, a bit of fun about british motoring, oh and a Miata.

<a target="_blank" title="http://www.brit.ca/~tboicey/comics.html" href="http://www.brit.ca/%7Etboicey/comics.html">http://www.brit.ca/~tboicey/comics.html</a><br /><br />enjoy,<br />Ian<br />

Reman · 13 December 2010 18:02

If I had a quid for every time somebody saw me driving my MX5 and assuming I was gay… I’d have enough to buy those beautiful Prada shoes I’ve had my eye on for absolutely ages.

Stick Tongue Out

joecottrell · 14 December 2010 10:49

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

Reman · 17 December 2010 18:20

OK, I’ve just finished wrapping my sisters Christmas present…

Now all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to stop it’s constant bloody barking.

Sword · 8 January 2011 13:14

I was in ASDA the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke's trolley. I said to him, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man replied, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

<o:p> </o:p>

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young bloke said, "Well, she is 24-years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn’t matter - let’s look for yours."

I like to be helpful.<o:p></o:p>

Reman · 8 January 2011 14:21

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the “C” word.
I suppose she’s got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother’s real name.

Reman · 11 January 2011 05:36

The police still aren’t buying my story about how I accidentally shot my wife.
I keep telling them how she barged in on me while I was cleaning my revolver, And they keep banging on with something about how they’ve pulled 11 bullets out of her body.

Geoff_Walton · 11 January 2011 08:08

Here in QLD we need a chuckle:
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.”

Sword · 14 January 2011 13:44

The Ashes.

1. What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?&nbsp;&nbsp; A laughing stock.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

2. The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting......they want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

3. What&rsquo;s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?&nbsp;&nbsp; A funeral director doesn&rsquo;t keep losing the ashes.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

4. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?&nbsp; The woman who irons their cricket whites.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

5. What&rsquo;s the height of optimism?&nbsp; An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

6. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?&nbsp; He forgot it was chained to his foot.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

7. What is the main function of the Australia coach?&nbsp; To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.&nbsp;&nbsp;<span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

8. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and team-mate Michael Hussey tells her he&rsquo;s heading out to the middle. His wife replies: &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll hold, he won&rsquo;t be long!&rdquo;&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

9. What&rsquo;s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?&nbsp; Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

10.Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?&nbsp; The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

11.What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?&nbsp; Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

12.What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?&nbsp; The entire Australian innings.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

13.What&rsquo;s the Australian version of LBW?&nbsp; Lost, Beaten, Walloped.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

14.Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?&nbsp; Because he can get out without even trying.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

15.What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?&nbsp; A bat.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

16.What do you call a cricket field full of Australians? &nbsp;A vacant lot.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

17.Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?&nbsp; Because they can&rsquo;t spell beer.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

18.Why can&rsquo;t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?&nbsp; They eat all the grass.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

19.What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?&nbsp; They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.&nbsp;&nbsp; <span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span>

<span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; color: #1f497d; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></span>

<span style="color: #1f497d;">2</span>0.What&rsquo;s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix had a future.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Geoff_Walton · 14 January 2011 13:54

COPPER WIRE
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutelynothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

Alan1 · 25 January 2011 23:05

I think its great that Sky Sport have sacked Andy Gray for his sexist comments .

Now they can they can replace him some fit bird with huge t-ts

Alan

DavesBRG5 · 26 January 2011 06:07

I don`t get what all the fuss is about Wink

joecottrell · 31 January 2011 13:21

The Kiss

A tough
looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a beautiful young
girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops.

“What are you doing?” he
asks.

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not
want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an
opportunity he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?"

So, she
does.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss
I have
ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why
are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up
like a girl…”

Big Smile

Big_Kev · 31 January 2011 19:03

My wife complained no one ever calls her… …I solved the problem by putting a “how’s my driving?” sticker on the back of her car Idea Thumbs up

joecottrell · 9 February 2011 09:57

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you darling, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, you fool. I was talking to the cat."

Alan1 · 11 February 2011 20:57

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

11. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

TerryM · 15 February 2011 23:39

REVENGE

Let’s
spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, CEO of Ryanair, who on arriving at a hotel
in Dublin , went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The
barman acknowledged him and replied, ‘That will be 1 Euro please Mr O’Leary.’

Somewhat
taken aback, O’Leary replied, ‘That’s a very competitive price’ as he handed
over his money.

‘Will
you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?’ enquired the barman.

Geoff_Walton · 16 February 2011 12:54

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Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.

mark · 18 February 2011 17:00

If you are asked to contribute money to help solve the unrest in Egypt,

…don’t fall for it, it’s a pyramid scheme!