HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I know that I am early, but I suffer from premature congratulation…!!
Why is “Abbreviation” such a long word.
Why is “Dyslexia” so hard to spell.
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the pro...mised land.
Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.
I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in ******** (overseas - censored). I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the pro...mised land.
Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.
I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in ******** (overseas - censored). I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I wish I were a glow worm,
A glow worm is never glum.
'Cause how can you be grimpy,
when the sun shines out your bum.
Sometimes, When I get bored I go to the local supermarket and peel the paper lables off tins of stewing steak. I then wrap the lables back around the tins of their budget cat food.
It’s been hard to get over my addiction to the hokey cokey but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’ve been snorting ground up brake pads for years… But it’s not an problem… I can stop any time I want.
I still do a daily workout. Every morning I have to workout who I am and where I am!.
Did you hear the one about a Vampire bike, it went around biting the buttocks of all who rode on it, it was a vicous cycle.
After Lance Armstrong’s 7th win the French tried to introduce stricter doping rules for the Tour De France, banning substances such as Soap, Toothpaste and Deodrant.
Tell a woman that there are 400 billion stars and she’ll believe you.
Tell her a bench has wet paint and she has to touch it.<o:p></o:p>
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.<o:p></o:p>
The wife left a note on the fridge…
“It’s not working!!! I can’t take it anymore, I’ve gone to stay at mum’s”
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
God know’s what she’s on about…
This is the story of the poor, dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead. I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!“
She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Give me your height and position.”
She says, “I’m 5’4” and I’m in the front seat.”
“OK.” says the voice on the radio… "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven …
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Ad olf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. … …
Richard: He makes bread . . …
Contestant: Er . …
Richard: He makes cakes . . …
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … ER. ER … Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er … Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days…
DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. … …
Phil Wood: It’s got two syllables . . … Kor . …
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . …
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . …
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY…
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . …
“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton ‘s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,’ he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: “I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
My wife said to me “Can you go across to the shop and get two pints of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
I returned with twelve pints of milk. My wife asked me “What did you buy twelve pints of milk for?”
I replied “They had eggs!”
An extract from Mills & Boon’s latest novel.
“We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know,
and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered, “Baaaa” and rejoined the flock.”
This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, Aberdeenshire and certain parts of Yorkshire.