Was chatting to the landlord of my local and he told me “We had that new James Bond villain in here earlier, but he was so drunk I had to throw him out”.
“Really?” I said, “Javier Bardem?”
“No, he can come back when he’s sober”.
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
“What’s the situation?”
“A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof.”
“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “You have to use
The politically correct terminology”
“OK” he says.
“Zulu…Tango…Sierra.”
I was thinking about getting a BMW M3, But a friend warned me that they usually have a greasy knob on the top of the gearstick.
And often a nut behind the wheel.
Bits of tin & bits of board nailed together make a ford
FORD.
We have all heard,
Fix Or Repair Daily but here are a few more.
1)Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
2)Factory Ordered Road Disaster
3)Failure Of Research & Development
2)Factory Ordered Road Disaster
3)Failure Of Research & Development
Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching for my ticket”
half way through that joke I thought the punchline would have some connection to Heisenbergs uncertanty principal… maybe i over thought the gag a little. 
What a Quantum entanglement! perhaps Einstein had put the ticket for safe keeping in the box with Schroedingers cat.
another shade of grey.................
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
/
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
/
/
/
/
Bloody mosquito! xxxxxxx
ah, the old “cat in a box” experiment. most people dont realise that this experiment cuts both ways. from the cats point of refrence, till the box is opened, YOU exist in 2 destinct probability wave packets… in one your standing there looking at the box. in the other the room outside the box is full of RSPCA officers and some coppers are walking you away in handcuffs.
Seeing as we seem to have a science theme going this morning.
Why did Frankenstein always get sick after a meal?
He kept bolting down his food.
Page 3 of the Sun is to remind the morons that read it to feed the babies.
WANTED…Dead or alive…Schrodingers Cat…May be a reward.
Einstein and his students:
In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his
students came to him and said: “The questions of this year’s exam are
the same as last years!”
“True,” Einstein said, “but this year all answers are different.”
And, they NEVER wire up the indicators, same with recent Audi’s (I mean, have you ever seen a BMW indicate…).I also believe that some models have defective brakes, you can tell which ones are faulty because they will just pull out of a side turning…
Q. What’s the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW!
A. Hedgehogs have the p***ks on the outside.
Note, Audi, 4x4, etc. can be used in place of BMW.
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price.”
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A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old Jewish lady for most of her life, finally retired. At her next check-up the new young doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through the list he realised one of her prescribed drugs was birth control pills.
“Mrs Cohen, do you realise these are 'the pill'?" he asked.
“Yes" she said, "they help me sleep at night”.
"I assure you", said the doctor, "there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep”.
Mrs Cohen reached out and patted the doctor’s knee.
“Yes dear, I know that, but every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
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