A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, "Who’s next ?“
The Scotsman raised his head and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London “.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
My lisdexia has ipmroved so much with age. Deys thays its ulmost anoticable. Trove do stetorl pation for puper punleaded setrol. Dut piesel in my bistake. soughed and clutterd to a huddering shalt…wot a willy sanker
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? " The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are rightout of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears histhroat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'lllove it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
----- One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,floating above the bar.. The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and CheeseToastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED',said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.” (He was an Irish setter) Then he noticed so me bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard "That was close. That dog nearly had me.“ Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby free, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply
dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to
you or your friends.
Here's
how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21
year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts
almost falling out Of their skimpy T-shirts.
When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask
you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at
Harford Bridge. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the
way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.
Then,
when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching
you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one
steals your wallet!
I
had my wallet stolen on August 4th, 9th & 10th, twice on the 15th,
again on 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on September 1st, 4th, 6th,
10th, twice yesterday and hopefully again this coming weekend!!
P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.
The Thames River Police stop a small boat containing two foreign looking gentlemen, rowing towards London. The Police get on the loudhailer and shout “Ahoy there, smalll craft, where are you heading?”.
one of the foreign looking gentlemen replies “We are going to invade the United Kingdom!”.
The crew of the Police launch all start to laugh and finally when the Police stop laughing, enquire “Just the two of you then?”.
To which the foreign looking gentleman replies “No, we are the last two, the others are already here!”.
A
fleeing
Taliban,
desperate for
water, was
plodding
through theAfghan
desert when he
saw something
far off in the
distance.
Hoping to find
water, he
hurried toward
the oasis only
to find a
British
soldier
selling
regimental
ties.
The
Taliban asked,
"Do you have
water?"
The
soldier
replied,
"There is no
water, the
well is dry.
Would you like
to buy a tie
instead? They
are only £5."
The
Taliban
shouted, "You
idiot
infidel! I do
not need an
over-priced
tie. I need
water! I
should kill
you, but I
must find
water first!"
"OK,"
said the
soldier, "It
does not
matter that
you do not
want to buy a
tie and that
you hate me.
I will show
you that I am
bigger than
that, and that
I am a much
better human
being than
you. If you
continue over
that hill to
the east for
about two
miles, you
will find our
Sergeant's
Mess. It has
all the ice
cold water you
need.
Inshallah."
Cursing
him, the
Taliban
staggered away
over the hill.
Several
hours later he
staggered
back,
collapsed with
dehydration
& rasped
... "They
won't let me
in without a
f-------g
tie!”
The Admiral - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound; Is more powerful than a locomotive; Is faster than a speeding bullet; Walks on water; Gives policy guidance to GOD.
The Captain - Leaps short buildings in a single bound; Is more powerful than a shunting engine; Is just as fast as a speeding bullet; Walks on water if sea state is less than one; Frequently talks with GOD.
The Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start and a good wind; Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine; Is faster than a speeding BB; Walks on water in indoor swimming pools; Talks with GOD if special request chit is approved.
The Lieutenant Commander - Can barely clear garden huts; Loses tug of war with locomotive; can fire speeding bullet; Swims well; Is occasionally addressed by GOD.
The Lieutenant - Rolls off the near side of Garden huts; Is run over by a locomotive; Can sometimes handle a weapon without hurting himself; Walks in shallow ponds; Talks with animals;
The Sub - Lieutenant - Can enter buildings with the aid of a doorman; Recognizes locomotives two times out of three; Is not issued live ammunition; Can hold breath long enough under water to be rescued by LCdr; Talks to bulkheads.
The Midshipman - Gazes in awe at revolving door; Says “Look at the Choo Choo!”; Aspires to position of dart catcher; Plays in mud puddles; Mumbles to self.
The Chief - Lifts buildings and walks under them; Kicks locomotives off their tracks; Catches speeding bullets in his teeth, chews them up and swallows them; Freezes water at a glance; He is GOD!<o:p></o:p>
