Daily jokes

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1181

 

A group of NCO’s and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. The entire group of NCO’s has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the stupid NCO’s will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the NCO’s calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the NCO’s jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the NCO’s slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the NCO’s didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the NCO’s announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the NCO’s leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last NCO enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story? Officers like to use the methods of the NCO’s, but they don’t really understand them.


1182

A  bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors on a day out when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he  asks the little old lady, 
‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’.  

‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’, she replied. 

The  puzzled driver asks, 
‘Why do you buy them then?’  
The old lady replied, 
‘We just love the chocolate around them.’  

1183

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
I’m retired. Go around me.

1184

 

An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar was an elderly looking lady (mid eighties)Also very well turned out. The gentleman walked over, sat along side of her, ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and said, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

1185

Wayne Rooney wants some bread. He sees bread in a shop window. He goes into the bakers and says “I want some bread” the assistant says " What sort would you like Mr Rooney, weve white, brown, all sorts. Thin, thick cut. He barks back “No I`m Not” 

1186

Walking through the housing estate earlier I spotted a young boy dressed up in a play firemans outfit sitting in a small trolly being towed by a dog, as I got closer I spotted that the string joining the dog to the trolly was attached to the dogs testicals!

i said to the boy " it would go faster If you attached the string to his collar" 

" I know…" Replied the boy, " but I wouldn’t get the siren noise like that…would I ?"

1187

Due to the current economic situation, Greece is currently suspending production of humus and taramasalata,  

it is apparently a double-dip recession 

1188

Have a look.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=311408205634752&set=vb.162367650550026&type=3

 

1189

 How the Cyprus bailout plan will work

 
It is a slow day in a little Cyprus Village. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. 
 
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day, a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. 
 
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. 
 
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. 
 
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. 
 
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the Taverna/Cabaret. 
 
The Cabaret/Taverna owner passes the money to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. 
 
The prostitute then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. 
 
At that moment the Gernman traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, Sayys that the rooms are not satisfactory, "Your version of 4 star is not my version of 4 star", pockets the money, and leaves town. 
 
No one produced anything. 
 
No one earned anything. 
 
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package work will work
1190

 During one of the many skirmishes between France and England the French captured one of England"s greatest generals, Gen. Joseph Stockton. While Stockton was being held prisoner, a French Officer asked him why the English wore such bright red coats into battle as it makes them much easier targets. Stockton replied that the reason the wear the coats of red was so if they were injured their men would not be able to see the general"s blood and get disheartened that their leader had been gravely wounded. The French officer took this into consideration and believed it was a good idea. Ever since then, the French armed forces have worn dark brown pants.

1191

Not really a joke but typical Forces Humour.

During my time under the colours I had the opportunity to take part in several Anglo-French exercises, one of which took place at Carlisle Airport, The RAF planners decided that the French troops were to be known as the Chasseurs Rapide Assault Parachutist, in other words the C.R.A.P.

Mind you their Compo’ was great, Wine, Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows.

1192

There is a great deal on at the supermarket, buy 1 chicken madras and get 3 curries free, 

page spokesman for the supermarket said " it’ll give you a good run for your money…" 

1193

Went to a wedding last weekend, and the bride was a shocker!

i said to the guy next to me, " man that girl is uuggllyy! " 

he grabbed me by the throat and hissed, " how dare you that’s my daughter, " 

i apologised " sorry mate, but I didn’t know you we’re her dad… " 

" I’m her mother! " came the reply 

1194

Viagra is now available in a powder for that can be sprinkled in your cup of tea, 

this has the added bonus in that it also prevents your biscuit going soft 

1195

Wrong stance at golf 

a lady spends a couple of hours getting tuition from the club pro, then gathers up her gear and sets off to the 1st tee,

less than 15 mins later, she is back in the clubhouse looking distressed, 

" what’s the matter? " asks the concerned pro,

" I have been stung by a bee " she replies

" where to " he enquires, 

" right between the first and second holes " she complains,

" see I told you that you had your feet too far apart " he observes 

1196

I failed a safety test at work today, I was asked " the fire alarm is sounding, what steps would you take? " 

apparently " very big ones " is the wrong answer 

1197

Duck runs into a pub shouting “got any bread , got any bread,” over and over. The bar man ignoring the fact that the duck is speaking  English and not duck says "no" ........The duck just keeps on and on and on, “got any bread, got any bread,“etc etc etc. “no” “got any” this goes on for some time untile the bar man says &nbsp;" look, we dont have any bread, beer wine spirits,,, thats it” Duck goes on “got any, got any bread, " etc etc etc. The bar man  SHOUTS " If your not going to buy a drink get out " All the regulars are now silent and trying to get pictures on thier mobiles to post on u/face.  The duck says to the barman &nbsp;who is now going Basil Fawlty<img border="0" title="Angry" alt="Angry" src="http://www.mx5oc.co.uk/forum/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/original/emotion-12.gif" />&nbsp;" Got any nails” ,“NO None at All”,” got any bread then?"

1198

& here’s one for Pythagoras: -

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,
one slept<o:p></o:p>

on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one
who

<o:p></o:p>

slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes
to prove that…

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons
of the squaws

<o:p></o:p>

of the other two hides.<o:p></o:p>

1199

Said to the wife " fancy a nice long walk? " 

" yes " she replied  " that would be lovely " 

" great, would you pick me some beers up on the way home" I said 

1200

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.



’‘Go away!’’ said the old lady. ‘‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’’ and she proceeded to close the door.



Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open… ‘‘Don’t be too hasty!’’ he said. '‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’'



And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."



The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

 

Martin.