Elderly couple in church, man whispers to wife " I’ve just done a silent fart, what should I do? "
she replies " well, you can start by getting new batteries for your hearing aid!! "
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other, and said, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now, and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim said, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a new-born baby?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
My Doctor told me I"m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.We think he"s out to get us
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
’ Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat…’
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired…’
She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window’
Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?
Society.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Did you know, that if all the cars in England were lined end to end…it would probably be Bank Holiday Monday.
Holiday message <o:p></o:p>
u5:p</u5:p>
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal
experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities
from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with
friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had
several cocktails followed by some rather nice white wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the
limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before - I took a cab
home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a
cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real
surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and
now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.<o:p></o:p>
Might be safer to “take a bus” next time.
After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm.
So he visits his doctor for advice.
“Maybe fantasy is the solution,” says the doctor.
"Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"
The doctor smiles. "Make sure he’s totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."
Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it’s no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied.
Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. “Try reversing it for a while,” says the quack. “Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. “You see?” he shouts triumphantly. “That’s how you wave a bloody towel.”
Mother-in-law says " I’m off to the shop, do you want anything ? "
" yes, " I say "get me a Kit Kat chunky "
she returns some time later with a Kit Kat chunky,
she seems somewhat irritated as I have just told her I wanted a Normal Kit Kat
Following the tragic death of the circus’ human cannon ball the circus director has placed an advertisement for the vacant post it the local job centre, they are finding this a hard post to fill as they are struggling to find someone of the correct caliber
A woman walks into the library and asks for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear isle and let her have it
Just got a letter from ScrewFix
im a bit embarrassed, apparently it’s not a dating agency after all
2 monkeys in the bath, one says " ooh ooh ooh eee eee aha ooh "
the other says " well put a bit of cold in if it is too hot "
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why
didn’t you raise your hand?’
‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Liverpool
fan, then who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd. fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you
a Man Utd. fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd. fan, and my dad is a Man Utd. fan, so I’m
a Man Utd. fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no
reason for you to be a Man Utd. fan. You don’t have to be just like
your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and
your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, 'I’d be a Liverpool fan.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They’re bells.'
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’
Martin.
"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.
It took me three flippin’ hours!!!
Speaking of bubble wrap, I just ordered a big roll of it from an on line shop… Just to see what they package it in.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, ‘I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough’.
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer’ the father says,
‘We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her’.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like hell they’re getting divorced!’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this!’
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME??’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.’