Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£80,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can
go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport and a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto ‘We love to fly and it shows’.
The just woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto ‘Winning the hearts of the world’.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto ‘Going beyond expectations’
The woman looks at him sternly and says ‘What the f*ck do you want?’
‘Ah!’ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. ‘Ryanair’.
All very good. Are you a fast typist or is there a quick way of posting jokes?
Sorry, trade secret. 
Helps to have a friend who passes them on.
Have to be selective in what jokes I can post on here though (nothing too saucy!!!) 
Enjoy!!!
Martin.
Copy and paste
HOLY E-MAIL
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on…
So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’
So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good…'
God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Elf.
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly up already and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
|
FORGOT MY GLASSES....
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week! Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier. |
I was thinking of giving up drinking, what with all the press about health and the damage it may do to us, and indeed burn out brain cells in particular. So i went down the pub to ponder it all over several pints. Got chatting as you do, and found the answer. "You see", said the man who had started on the beer long before me, "Its like thisshh" Look to the herds of animals that have to stick together to survive, they run and run and run through the wild. The weakest are at the back and get eaten by the predators. The herd gets faster and stronger,as they don`t need to slow or wait for the weaker, natural selection, natures way. So the preds have to get quicker and stronger to keep knocking off the weaklings to survive themselevs, and so on and so on. It pushes the herd to be stronger and keep going no matter what. So stands to reason that our weakeast less able brain cells get picked off first, rid us of those weak worn out brain cells. This beer in my hand is my predator, my brain is the herd, for the good of the herd i must keep going, no surrender, “Another pint please”
Merry Christmas everyone, and a Happy New Year 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question
was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the
ground where the cat can’t get it.
He was awarded an A.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes… “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed… “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice”
“It’s not coconut juice” winks the woman, “I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk…
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing” he muses. What’s next? When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. "You mean . . . " he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
“You’ve made a chip pan?”
Awesome
Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their string with tinsel.
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this will be for the christmas period only.
Great joke
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
*
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my lawyer’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
*
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little *******.
Santa
The Christmas Party!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a free bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pat
Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pat
Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Pat
Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2012
RE: The Fing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian ps!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you fing weirdos can kiss my a. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Sam Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2012
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Sam
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it!
I brought my Wife this year a new belt and bag, hope it they are the correct ones for the Hoover!
Good King Wencelas rang up the local Pizza Palace to order a home delivery, 
“What type would you like” asked the Girl.
“The Seasonal special” he says “Deep pan, crisp and even”.
For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table I said,
“I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial”
“Parsnips” my mum interjected.
“Well I don’t know if it’s gone chest high mother but it’s pretty deep”