I’m going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he’ll be up there, looking down at us all.
I must get that broken stairlift mended!! 
May I be the first to wish you all MERRY CHRISTMAS 2013, only 364 days to go.
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other lady asked, “What’s that?” “A condom,” the lady replied.
“This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
“Where did you get it?” the other lady asked.
“You can get them at any chemist.”
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
“It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”
The chemist fainted!!!
My girlfriend being the romantic sort, just sent me a text…
If you are sleeping …send me your dreams
If you are laughing …send me your smile
If you are eating …send me a bite
If you are drinking …send me a sip
If you are crying …send me your tears
I love you x
I replied…I’m on the loo. What should I do?
I was in Asda recently when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating:
"Oi, you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said.
"No I didn't" I replied, arranging the washing powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team."
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?
1. Two blondes walk into a building …you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '…If you want to buy marijuana , press the hash key…'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says , ‘Well , I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn’t find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident… He shouted , 'Doctor , doctor , I can’t feel my legs!'
The doctor replied , ‘I know you can’t , I’ve cut your arms off’.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly… They lit a fire in the craft , it sank , proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor , with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
11. 'Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green , Green Grass of Home’
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
‘Is it common?’
‘It’s not unusual.’
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed , is there anything you can do for him?’
'Well , ’ said the vet , 'let’s have a look at him’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes , then he checks his teeth. Finally , he says , ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
'No , because he’s really heavy’
13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc , I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Don’t you start.’
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car , and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said ‘Sure , you look great , the world’s your oyster , go for it…’
16. Apparently , 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family , so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad , or my older brother Colin , or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub , one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you , you fat bastard!’
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday , one was drinking battery acid , and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. ‘You know , somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said , ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
20. A man walked into the doctor's , he said , 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said , 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The doctor said , 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
I came to this country with only a pound in my pocket and I’m now the proud owner of a shopping trolley.
The shortest joke in the world…
Pretentious? Moi?
Unless you know better…
I said to the wife I've got a problem
She replied: No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we are married,
we are a unit and your problem is my problem as well
Anyway, she said, what's the problem ?
I said:
We've got your sister pregnant !!
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” - George Burns
Apparently those computer tablets aren’t a new “must have” thing. Moses had four of them according to the Bible. He broke the first two in a rage but they where replaced by another two.
If its got wheels or tit`s, sooner or later it will cost you money
Oh so true.
In Northern Minnesota there is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles’.
A little boy comes home from school and says
“Dad, Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play. It’s as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies “Never mind son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!!”
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks:
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SH*T."
Good news, Brit bloke has hand transplant.
Slight complication, what is he going to do with two left hands.
They do say that the eerie thing about transplants is that the person receiving the donated part, organ, etc. can inherite some of the donors characteristics, spooky isn’t it.
More bad news, it from a donor who always played with himself.
The primary school teacher gave her class an assignment "get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it"
The next day the kids came back and one by one they each told their storys,
Kathy said "my Father is a Farmer and he has a lot of egg-laying hens, one time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of our pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying,....And what's the moral of the story? "Dont put all your eggs in one basket"
"Very good" said the teacher,... "Now Lucy?"....."our family are Farmer's too, but we raise chickens, we had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,...and the moral here is don't count your chickens before they hatch"
Thats a fine story lucy,....Johnny do you have a story to share?
"yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Karen,...Aunt Karen was a Flight Engineer in Desert storm; and her plane got hit and she had to bail out over enemy territory,and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a Machine gun and a Machete, anyway she drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,..then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops,.... she killed seventy with the machine gun until the bullets ran out,....then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke,...then she killed the last ten with her bare hands, "Good heavens" said the horrified Teacher, what moral did you gain from that story,
"Dont screw with Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking"
Kathy said "my Father is a Farmer and he has a lot of egg-laying hens, one time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of our pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying,....And what's the moral of the story? "Dont put all your eggs in one basket"
"Very good" said the teacher,... "Now Lucy?"....."our family are Farmer's too, but we raise chickens, we had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,...and the moral here is don't count your chickens before they hatch"
Thats a fine story lucy,....Johnny do you have a story to share?
"yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Karen,...Aunt Karen was a Flight Engineer in Desert storm; and her plane got hit and she had to bail out over enemy territory,and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a Machine gun and a Machete, anyway she drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,..then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops,.... she killed seventy with the machine gun until the bullets ran out,....then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke,...then she killed the last ten with her bare hands, "Good heavens" said the horrified Teacher, what moral did you gain from that story,
"Dont screw with Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking"
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....