Daily jokes

General Discussion Forums Life, The Universe and (almost) Everything!
1261

Very good

1262

 The missus crashed her car into someone today. She told the police the guy had been talking on his mobile phone and drinking from a can of beer at the time!

The police told her he was entitled to do whatever he wants in his own conservatory!!

1263

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a very short time period.  Mum

was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to 

send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions 
of marital sex. 

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said 
nothing but:  “Nescafe”.  Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the 
Nescafe jar. It said:  “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for 
her daughter. 

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and 
the card read:   “Rothmans”.  Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s 
cigarettes to read from the pack:   “Extra Long. King Size”.  She was again slightly 
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. 

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week, 
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing… A card 
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “… 

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, 
and finally found the ad for Air NZ. 

  
  

‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’ 


MUM FAINTED !!! 

1264

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has recently been discovered in Egypt. 

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

1265

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening. 

We turned on a ‘night light’, turned on the answering machine, covered 
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard. 

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. 

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. 

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted 
back into the house. 

We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to 
get at the budgie. 

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the 
cat. 

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. 

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the 
house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver 
that I would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to 
my mother.” 

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I 
said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I 
had to poke her ar$e with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She 
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap 
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I 
hauled her fat ar$e downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! 
And she’d better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!” 

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

1266

[nicked from another 5r]

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers.

So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
1267

After reports that burgers have been
found to contain up to 29% horse meet a Tescos spokesman has said;

 

We are launching an investigation
immediately, none of our burgers are supposed to contain that much
meet.

 

 

1268

 Now I know why Tesco’s burgers always give me the trotts

1269

I was so surprised to hear about the horse meat in Tesco’s Value burgers.

To be honest, The biggest surprise was to hear that they had ANY type of meat in them.

1270

 Tesco just announced the recipe for their all new value burgers

 

With reduced salt and Shergar

1271

Did you know that Hamburgers in an anagram of SHERGARBUM

Big Smile

1272

Forget their burgers

try their meat balls

they are the dogs bo****s 

1273

To be fair I always thought that Tesco burgers were good. Good to soft in places.

1274

(This ones a bit naughty, But I think the worst that might happen is your younger kids saying to you “I don’t understand it… Explain what it means”. Big Smile)

A posh looking lady walks into a dry cleaners and asks the old man behind the counter about the chances that he would be able to remove a stain from the dress she’s holding. The old shop keeper cups his hand to his ear and says “Come again madam?”, To which she looks flustered and replies “No, Not this time. It’s just yogurt”.

Was that one a bit to smutty? I find it hard to gauge what’s acceptable these days. Whistling

Scotty B.

1275

Horsey, horsey, don’t you stop,

Or you’ll end up in the Tesco shop,

Your tail goes swish and the wheels go round,

Giddy up horsey, you’re a quarter pound!

1276

Tesco also had to recall 10,000 pairs of leggings after traces of camel toe was found in them.

1277

 I’ve just checked my burgers in the freezer…THEY’RE OFF!

1278

If you’re thinking of shopping at Tesco don’t go to the Derby branch - I hear the meat there is 3-years-old.

1279

Just been to Tesco for My Little Pony.

Was sent to the meat aisle!!!

1280

 Got a call from a friend of mine today telling me how fed up he and his family are with the weather.  “Do you know my wife has done nothing all day except gaze through the window complaining about the snow and low temperature.   It’s getting dark now so I s’pose I’d better let her in”.